Can't Sleep..

I can't sleep and I have to be in the office by 7:00 am in the morning. I am going to hate it. Waaaa. So I will post a bunch of pictures of yawns and see what that does for me.

Recognize one of those as one of my kiddos? Lower right is a tired Tadpole.

So Bible Study was awesome tonight. It was session 3 of Beth Moore's "A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place." and it was profound. I cannot even explain the section on God being with us, but it just resonated, and lit my lights. :O) Epiphany! I love when God shows Himself new to me.

So I had an adrenelin rush today. I got an email that I interpreted to say that my court date for Olivia Mame was tomorrow. I cried, I giggled, I cried some more and was giddy. And even mailed folks, posted a message, and announced it on my yahoo group, only to find out, I misunderstood. Oh dopey me! Felt stupid.

What is interesting about it though, is, when I thought it was true, I felt panicky! I need more time to save up money for plane fare, and I am just now understanding that Mary has some attachment challenges, I need a month with her, before I take on another...and..

Any way, when I found out my error, I was not as upset as I could have been. It felt like, yep, God knows what He is doing. He knows the time I need.

So the real deal, is my papers get filed in court tomorrow so I can get a court date assigned. I was told the date would be around 5 weeks out, with travel 3-4 weeks after that.

That timeframe makes more sense.

Tadpole is on my heart, if you will lift a prayer for him, that his faith would be strong. He says he wants to believe that Jesus is in his heart, but he is afraid that he isn't. All my logic and talking does not remove his fears and sadness. He says things like, I won't be in heaven with the rest of you, I want to, but I just can't make myself. He even says he does believe in Jesus, and believe God forgives our sins, but that he just doesn;t beleive he (Taddy) really meant it when he asked Jesus in his heart and if he really did not mean it, then Jesus would not have come in Kind of complicated for an 8 year old. Please pray for his faith, and mommy;s wisdom.

Mary asked if all people were going to heaven when they die. I said, only those who asked Jesus in their heart. Then she said, Have I asked Jesus in my heart? She had when she was 3, but I do not think she truly understood at that age. I wanted to ask her then and there if she would like to, but before I could, Taddy had started his conversation about him not being in heaven with us..etc..and we did not get it finished and back to Mary';s question.

So I praise God for kids that are hungry to know about God and about their own spiritual well-being. I praise God for the opportunities along the way to talk about it, that it is as natural to us to talk about God and life in God and heaven as it is to talk about school, and play and life. It is all wrapped up together. Thank you Lord.

My greatest ministry, offering, legacy, is my children;s hearts committed to God. Lord, help them to all fall passionately in love with you. Reveal yourself to Taddy, and Mary, Nick and Olivia...and me Lord.

You are our emmanuel, God with us. You are our with!

The Quest for Food...

In many ways, as the mother of the home, I am still a hunter and gatherer, as woman of old.

I remember, two years ago, being in China with my two little boys and Mary, in the city of Qing Dao, at a hotel whose resturant did not offer any western food and nothing my children would it. It was an especially stressful time, almost midway through our trip.

One afternoon, I left with kids in the hotel with a young lady who was accompanying us on the trip to help me with the kids and I went out in the strange city, knowing where nothing was, not speaking one bit of Mandarin, hunting for food for my family. I walked down streets, actually scared, depressed and somewhat hopeless...and prayed for protection and FOOD they would eat.

I did eventually find Qing Dao's version of a mall with a Mcdonalds, (complete with a little play area) and smack-dab next door, a Starbucks! PTL! How westernized am I!!!

The quest to find the perfect food is still a daily challenge By perfect I mean, something that all of my kids will eat, that Angela and I can stand as well, that does not cost an arm and a leg (well maybe a chicken's arm and leg, but you know what I mean.)...I guess chickens don't have arms. Ok, a wing and a leg.

So often I will cook some yummy new dish, only to get three turned up sniffing noses, little plate hand shoves as they move it away from them and a this is yucky. sigh. Or two out of three like it. :( It is a sad battle. We only have about three or 4 sure fire everyone likes it meals. And I can't just keep repeating those...then everyone will hate them.

So I am on the constant hunt through magazines, books, websites...for the perfect meals. Price, time to cook, and child approved...not to mention I would like to drop a few pounds, but I cannot even think of adding that criteria, or the quest would be hopeless.

So as I come across a good recipe or a good website, I will add the website to a new list of links I have on the site. and I will list successful recipes here. (Don't hold your breath until I find one.)

So please share if you have some winners from your home, as well.

Rain on the way..

"Rumor" has it, tht it is suppose to rain on Friday.

Woohoo! Bring it on! I am ready!

About time fall got here!

A BLOG worth reading...

I find so many wonderful families and testimonies along the way of my journey and some just bring me to tears. God's glory, grace and workings in their lives that has them walk a path that seems impossible. I decided to share them from time to time. This is a blog of Steffany and her family. Adopting twins from Ethiopia and so much more.

My heart swells. Lord, thankful for hearts surrendered to you and lives dripping with your glory. Inspires me to allow you to challenge me to more.

http://toliveloveandlaughtoday.blogspot.com/

(I HAVE to get the song she plays on her blog!)

"Mom, Lions here?"

Another dear family who recently adopted a young daughter and son from Ethiopia shared a story on their blog. The mom and the young son were having a one on one bike ride back and forth in front of their house. They have a greenbelt..grassy area around their house and her son asked "Mom, Lion's here?" She talked about how she forgets that all things are new to him. http://journeytolayla.blogspot.com/

I was thinking how different their lives have been, these wonderful children we are bringing from afar. So many experiences we had not imagined. I want to stay in tune and connected to that.

I also thought about me. Am I showing them where the "lions are"? Or do I take for granted they know where danger is and what is safe?

In our culture there are so many hiding lions and even with a 10 year, I cannot leave it to chance that he is going to recognize safety vs a danger zone. Friends and relationships. Entertainment. Activities. Internet. Even thought life and self-talk. All of it can have some hidden lions...waiting to devour.

I don't want to scare my children, but I do want to take the time to teach and protect them, as well as educate them on how to detect and protect themselves.

So yes, there are lions here, in America...not just in the zoo, and sometimes not readily recognizable.

Hope....

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Prov 3:5,6

Our God is a God of hope. A God of relationship. So God has directed us toward some good things for Mary...and some changes.

We are moving her back to a 1/2 day kindergarten at the school where she took preschool. The setting, format, class-size and familiarity will all be a great help as we work with her on some other issues. She is excited, I am excited and it feels like the right fit. They know her, had her for two years already..and we can focus on the things we need to focus on and let her move to the "Big" school next school year. Yes!

Second, is I really like the counselor we are going to. She is so positive and upbeat, familiar with the challenges we have in Mary's situation and is working with me a layout a great game plan, some new tools and games to play with Mary and focus to work through what we need to. A breath of hope rather than frustration and cluelessness.

So Thank you Lord, for leading us and giving us those who come along side to help. You are awesome. You love us and care about the big and small.

You are our HOPE.

Hero...

Ok this is too funny. I am crazy about the series Stargate Atlantis, (I have the seasons on dvd)...And I just admire the character Lt. Colonel John Sheppard. His sense of humor, integrity, compassion, bravery, choices. He is just the epitome of a hero. So I was thinking about that, about heros....and that Bonnie Rait song keeps coming into my head. Holding out for a hero..... silly, huh? I am too old to hold out for anything. (So I think) But seriously, also, at this point in life, I am too old to settle too, so holding out for a hero is what I am doing. Which means I will probably live the rest of my life alone.

But truly Jesus is my hero, my rescuer, my knight on a white horse. And I know there must be some imitators of Christ.

I was telling my mom, I don't see many heros today. . ...but then I was thinking I want to raise my sons and daughters in such a way ....that they will be heros and heroines...and hold out for one. That they have the right stuff inside...and right heart, and choices. And chose to be noble and brave and grand-hearted. And then, not settle themselves. Seems impossible. But with God all things are possible. I know there has to be some "hero" people out there, if even a remnant, and they must have some hero sons and daughters, who do not compromise and go for cheap thrills and dishonesty, etc. Have a strong heart. Integrity. Has to be some.

I think of all the good movies and stories, that have these noble heros...I think it is something deep in our heart that desires a hero and desires to be one. To choose the brave path.....even if the path means self-sacrifice. The verse that husbands love your wives, as Christ loves the church and gave himself for her. Now that is hero stuff!! Denying self for the care of others. Our deeper self longs for it, wants it. I think Satan steering out society tries to get everyone caught up with cheap thrills and junk and me first and pleasure, and thinking it is all too hard to be a hero and for what end....

But this span of 80 or so years is just a wet tear track on the face of eternity. Soon to be wiped away and forgotten with a greater awareness and reality. So yes, I want to be a hero, the hero of my own story...and I will hold out only for a hero...and I will raise heros...or try and pour out the prayers for God's work of the impossible, in this age of shallow compromise and settling.

So yea, others may think it cornie or hoakie, but if we admit, our hearts swell when we see someone acting bravely, noblely, even if it is a fictitious character. Deep calls unto deep. Something in us, recognized the shadow of the image of Christ, even if poorly protrayed.

Any way, I wanted to find a photo of John Sheppard, from Stargate Atlantis to post with this blog, and I found this video made on youtube with movie clips of him from the show set to a song.. Here's the funny part. Guess what song?

Yep....Hold out for a hero. Enjoy.

Enjoy.



Yea...I may be wierd. but my heart is still young. :)

Attachment Disorders..

Now aren't those disturbing words. It is interesting, as I am starting to read, and to talk about my challenges with Mary, this has come up in several conversations. At first I wrote it off as the easy out...ie Folks here she is adopted and immediately jump to adoption as the root cause of the issues.

But, in one conversation someone asked me, does she do this..and this..and that...and pretty much discribed her behavior to a tee..so I need to focus on it. It also does not help that I was going through my own Post-adoption issues, the first year she was home.

So..now we are learning and planning on doing some back-tracking...and getting some ideas on what to do...things I can use for Olivia as well I am sure.

Two good books mentioned to me...one I have the other I just ordered:

Post-Adoptoin Blues by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson (www.amazon.colm)
and Coming to Grips with attachment by Katherine Leslie. (www.brandnewdayconsulting.com)

There is always hope.

You have to have Hope....

Just imagine how we would feel without it? Without hope. We do not grieve like those without hope.

God is ever faithful. Thinking today of Joseph, in the prison, no clue when he was coming out. What happened with his relationship with God? How did he not dispair? Or did he, and God raise up a spark of hope inside him. We can often look at that story in the back end of Genesis, and gloss over the years of hardship and no clues. Did God whisper to his heart? Was his faith so strong he knew something had to come of this?

We read the story in hindsight, knowing the good to come, but he lived the story with "blindsight" not knowing what would happen.

So we sit, with a circumstance, struggle, need.... And God, like walking in Eden, is walking with us. Yes, it is harder here, but He is still walking with us. And where there is God, there is hope.

Nothing has changed with my little wild child. No new method or trick or thing to try. But I have hope. God gives hope.

Now I am going to go get some chocolate! ...hopefully, if I can dredge up enough coins from the bottom of my purse.

-----------------------------------
Post Script: I was good! I ate a pear instead!

Oh nooooo! BRRRRING!

Message from the principals office: Please call as soon as possible.

My heart hurts, my stomach is queasy. My wits have left my ends....

I have to call...in a few minutes...first (being at work) I have to go hide in the bathroom and pray.

Car-heaters, new days, yellow zones, and designer labels...

Smells are powerful. A certain smell can conjure up a memory or evoke an emotional reponse quicker than we often can track where it came from. Seasonal smells really hit me, especially fall and Christmas season...but even summer...fresh mown grass?

The smell of sharpened pencils says "Back to School" is here. A smell hit me this morning that I did not realize had a seasonal pull to it for me.

The smell of the car heater when you turn it on for the first time each fall. It was a tad chilly this am, so I turned it on, first time in my PT Cruiser, and as the warm heated scent filled the car, I felt...ah.....fall! I love fall. Sweaters, fires, pumpkins, leaves, crisp sunny days....love it! Did not know the car heater would evoke that for me.

A new day has dawned

I already blogged about it being Olivia's birthday today! yea! Also, it is a new day around our house. It is the first day Angela is driving the kids to and from school without me! Mixed blessing here.

It gives so much more simplicity to my mornings. I can get to work on time (important) and not interrupt the middle of my day to assist in picking them up. A good thing. Less stress. But.....

Everything has a but, doesn't it? I lose that time in the car with my kids and the teachable moments that often arise. I lose the added connection with them, and with their school and the ritual of parting and rejoining.
So. So we will change our morning routine to make up for some of it. Create a new ritual of leaving the house and coming home, and orchestrate some other opportunities at night to connect with school and their day and have teachable moments. Still, to a degree it is letting go... Somethng that is bittersweet and, as a mom, something I will have to get use to.

Mary's Day

Mary had a better day yesterday, with the new green, yellow and red cards on her desk. She only moved into the yellow zone twice, and never red. And today my phone has not rang with the principal's number on it, yet, so I am hoping that is a good sign.

Designer Labels

This morning we were talking about a verse in Colossians and how it can be described by designer labels. Like Nike shoes, or Rawlings softballs, or some other name on an item. I told the kids how the right to put that name on that item, comes with some expectations as to quality and performance. That if a shoe was made poorly, fell apart the first time you used it, Nike would not want their name on it. Same if the softball strings came untied the first time you used it, the leather fell off, Rawlings would not want their name on it.

And so it is with us, with the name of Christ. Is what we are saying and doing something that Jesus would want his name on. I gave an example, (that to little boys, of course, was hiliarious): If I yell, "Hey you moron, you have maggots for brains!" would Jesus want his name on that? (ROTFL, they said, NO!) "And if they tripped their sister when she came walking by, when no one was noticing, would Jesus want his name on that?" NO!

So...we have a designer label and need to live up to the expectations of that label.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Col 3:17

So let's not be stinky-faced and then think, in Jesus name, makes it okey-dokey. :)

Today is Olivia Mame's Birthday

Today is Mame's birthday..according to her profile. She is turning 7, according to her profile. I bet she never celebrated a birthday. I asked God to send her a special blessing today...a good laugh with a friend, a kind word or hug, and hope in her heart....Tonight I am taking my three kids shopping for Olivia Mame a gift, wrap it, put it on her top bunk and sing happy birthday and pray for her. (We are adding Olivia to her name Mame...So she will be Olivia Mame.(mah may) It is funny, my Mary Beth's nickname is Mei-mei (may may) So I will have a may may and a mah may.

Little Princess Far Away

Do you know that it's your day

Turning 7, the papers say

Today is Mame's Birthday.

Far away, yet close inside

Eyes that sparkle, smile wide

Joy in your heart, your face implies

Today is Mame's birthday.

Abba send her blessings I pray

Kindness, hugs and laughs today.

A hope of family, forever to stay

Today is Mame's birthday.

We pick out gifts, one from each

Some for play, some to teach

Placed up high (out of sister's reach)

Today is Mame's Birthday.

Happy Birthday to you we sing

Hearts are full, tears it brings

Each says a prayer to our heavenly King,

Bless Mame on her birthday.

Abba, bring us together soon. Keep us all safe and build the love even now. Amen.

Another day, another visit to the principals office...

sigh....

I am not one who lives without hope. God is wise. He will lead us through this path.

But it is not fun on the journey on some days...like today, crying as I drove to the school yet again, to pick up my daugher early, for her defiance and disobedience, and naughty behavior.

And, no remorse...

I have not answers. Just keep trying and praying...and blue-faced talking. I prayed so that I would not be angry, and I am glad, I kept it under control when I picked her up. So tomorrow the teacher is trying something new. Not sure what the magic pill will be that will finally work...but something has to.

Zamboni King....

The birthday skate party was a success! And Tadpole got to ride the Zamboni around the ice!

What the kids thought of the Hannah Montana Music Video.

My Ice skating birthday boy!

5 Hours of sleep, but still smiling...

Take four boys, 1 girl and 1 dog...add hotdogs, popcorn, movies, games, gifts, and smores..... They all stayed up to midnight and woke up at 6 AM!!! But I think they are having fun... We just got back from the park and we are off to the ice skating rink in an hour.

Momma be tired!

It Happened at High Noon...

At high noon, 8 years ago today, Tadpole made his appearance! And life has never been the same. Precious, full of charm (when he wants to me) tender hearted and high-energy. My little Tadpole, Anthony James Soldevila Hancock, is a true gift from God, and a treasure. I love you little man...Happy Birthday!
2000

2001

2001

2002

2003

2004

2005
2006

2007

2008

Laugh more...and hug them...

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4434608n (Champman interview from 9/10/08)

Stop right now and hug 'em

Those little or big ones in your home and heart....here now and soon to be...hug emEvery day hug them...and laugh a lot and relish in who they are...and not what they are not.

Thank you for them Lord.

Discouraged but not dispairing......

2 Cor 4:8-10

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.



I got a call today around 1:40 from the school principal, to come get Mary. Her teacher sent her to the principals office because all day she had been disruptive, not listening, interrupting, not obeying and generally the wild child I am very familiar with.

This is her second principal office visit in the last 6 days... (and two of those six days there was no school!)

sigh....

I got there, and she was curled up in a ball, asleep in a chair in the school office. No naps does not sit well with her. I am not saying that is the cause of the issues, but it is a contributor.

As I was driving to the school, I just kept praying. God give me wisdom. What do I say or do that would make a difference? I don't want to get angry. Don't want to punish just to punish, but I don't want to let it slide either.... No clue as to what to say or do.

But I know God loves Mary. He made her this energetic, upbeat, full of life little girl. And she is more than two hand-fulls. I know the challenges we have at home if you give her one tenth of an inch...so I can only imagine, a teacher with a classroom full...

Sometimes I think partial homeschooling would be best for her, but I do not have that option. And one might think she will outgrow it, and perhaps she will, or some of it..but what if she won't? Ignoring it will not make it better.

I become the blue-faced mommy telling her once again, we do not interuppt, we raise our hand and wait to be called on, we do not need to comment, question or make some noise about every thing that is said and done....

And the message goes in the ear, is understood for a second, and then some other interesting stimulus sends it right on out the other side. Is anything retained? Some is, because when asked she can mimic what is expected word for word. Words, but no action, Jackson.

So I pray, for her to develop a quiet spirit, or less some self-control. And we practice. It was too early to pick up the boy yet, so we sat at McDonald's and had a little snack..practicing. Mary raising her hand, if she wanted to speak. Sometimes me acknowledging her right away, other times making her wait a bit.

She did well, one on one. Even with a little boy in the table next to us talking non-stop and trying to figure out what we were doing and wasn't ketchup on french fries tasty, and he is going to apple hill soon and his great grandpa died, and he is four and sometimes he listens at school and this is the proper way to sit and.....

so yes, I see, it is not just Mary. Still, Mary is over the top, especially in a classroom full of children.

Back at school, picking up the boys, she still is practicing, raising the hand, but I already see, the excitement of other kids, and of mommy being distracted talking to others, and not focusing totally on her (much like the teacher, I would assume), the practice falls apart, and jumping, acting up and silliness soon abounds. Focus, Mary..and back to practice.

She is now taking a nap. We may try earlier bed times...and raising hand practice to and from school I also enlisted the boys help, to be good examples, vs wild children...

And perspective...I know this is not so tragic. There are many other mother's dealing with far greater concerns than I am today. Yet, this is the one before me, that I need to face with God's grace and wisdom.

My heart is crying...

http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/viewHome.do

Ahhh, Abba, Jesus Spirit. You know all, why, how long, and all in between. I pray for this dear family. I pray for each second, each whisper, each touch, each tear, each breaking heart. You have wrapped them with your love, continue to do so. Your will be done. Use each second of this pain and heartache to build an eternal legacy.

Bring little Cole to running and laughing and hugging. I know you could totally heal him in one second, just a thought and he could hop out of that bed. And for some reason, you choose not to. Yet, you know far more than we do. And you see eternity and the life that is real, that our is just a polluted-shadow of. So we trust you. Just love on them. I pray that you love on them.

And I pray that each one who goes to this site and reads Cole's story, will pray to you. Will hug their family. Will be touched by you, God and know...there is so much more. MOre than our to do lists, and our frurstrations, and our emptiness.

There is an eternal life, starting now, full of love and meaning and wholeness and peace and joy and excitement and fullness...swimming in the living God.

Oh, Lord, how we forget. Oh Lord, how painful some of the reminders. Help them Lord. Help this little family. Take Cole's pain away.

ANd help us. Help each of us to GET IT. To see the arms you have to wrap around us and ours, the little ones (or big ones) we love...the toddling ones, the grey haired ones, the forgetful ones, the busy ones.... Let us not buy into the lies and deception of the world on what is real and what is important and what will make us happy. Help us see you. Help us sense you. You love us. Help us love you.

Ah, Jesus...your blood and pain bought it for us...in your name, be glorified.

Amen.

Not Flawless...

We have a dear young lady living with us for a year from Colombia, Angela. She is a blessing and a joy to have around. She is participating in the au pair program through CHI and part of her responsibilityt is to drive the kids to and from school.

She has a Colombian driver's license, but is studying and practicing for her California license. Every school day, I ride with her to and from school to give her a chance to practice and become more familiar with the route, as well as to give me comfort with her skills and ability. She is doing great!

About once a week I throw a curve into the route. I ask her to turn into the Starbuck's drive-thru. Today was one of those days.

She ordered her cappuccino and I order my "Skinny Vanilla Latte" (I need to talk to them, I have been drinking these for a year now and don't seem to be getting any skinnier!!) After ordering we pull ed up to the pick-up window, paid and waited for our drinks, with a long line of other drinkers in their cars behind us.

Today, the barista (those cheerful servers at Starbucks) passed us the cappuccino. As Angela was putting it in the drink holder, her foot slipped off the break and the van rolled forward about 3 feet...just enough that the barista's window was now at the back end of the van. Angela started to back up, but I calmly said, "No we can't do that, there is a car behind us and they have pulled up. Let me get out and get the coffee."

So I got out of the car, walked around the back of the van, smiled at the drinker behind us, and then at the barista and retrieved my latte. Back in the car, all was well and we proceeded on our way.

Then I thought: It was good that happened. One might think, that the best thing to boost my confidence in Angela's driving ability and to also help Angela feel comfortable and confident in driving is for the commute to always be flawless. No issues, no corrections, no incidencts to handle.

But actually, I was happy the car rolled forward and we had the opportunity to handle it in a safe and calm manner. Now I know, if anything similar happens to Angela in the future, with the kids in the car, and me absent, she will know it is not a big issue and will be able to calmly handle the situation.

Flawless does not teach us how to handle life. Issues, mistakes, challenges...frustrations...and yes, times of joy and harmony as well, teach us how to handle life.

With my kids, the stinky-faced day I wrote about a couple days ago, taught us how to handle a time when we have been unkind toward eaxh other and how to humble ourselves and mend hearts. It taught my kids that no family or relationship is perfect or flawless, so rather than expecting it to be and then being greatly disappointed and frustrated, see how to mend and heal when the inevitable hurts happen.

So, we like, life, are not flawless and we do not want to be. But we do want to be holy and real.

The other day Nick and I had this discussion around holy versus perfect.. I shared the verse:

Be holy, for I the Lord your God, am holy. (Leviticus 19:2)

Nick was debating that was an impossible quest. That we could not be perfect, only God is perfect. I agreed wholeheartedly.

We cannot be perfect, flawless...and I do not want to be, since I would be the only one on the planet to be that way (and probably dillusional). But that is not what holy means.

Holy in this verse is the Hebrew word quadosh and means "set apart, sacred". to be dedicated to, consecrated. In other words to be different than the mundane and common, to be special because of a connection to God. To be "other". Like Christmas dishes or the lace table cloth. Special, set apart...

So to be holy, does not mean we are perfect or flawless, but that we live and act in a way that is different, in a way that our connection to God makes a striking impact on how we live.

Trying to teach my children to live a holy life, I need lots of issues and challenges and mistakes to happen, to 1) be able to show and explain how "different, set apart" living looks like in the real world, and 2) to stretch and grow and allow God to transform myself into someone who is more and more "different" or "other" than the norm. To give me practice. Just like Angela.

Living this holy life will not only give a guiding light to my children, but will also be a candle in the dark to those around me, who may not even know any other way to handle life's hassles. A hope that there is a better way to live, feel, react.

Livng a holdy life can only happen through my connection and relationship with God. It keeps coming back to relationship, for me lately. And to slowing down for relationship. Relationships are not fast, fit in the cracks, rushing connections. When I am close, open, not ignoring, in my relationship with God, my heart yearns for "otherness" rather than wallowing in self. When I ignore God, even for a day, you can tell it in my lack of holiness and being different.

So, now, when I see the mistakes happen, I need to pause, Am I connected? and then do the holy thing. :)

Who would have thought walking back to the Starbucks window to get my latte would give me a lesson in holiness?

Not flawless...but holy.

Happy Thoughts that make you Soar

On the drive home from school, Nick was reading these cards called Kidstalk...which ask questions for the family to answer. One was on the ability to fly, like in Peter Pan. The question was, what happy thoughts would you think, to be able to fly:

• Nick's answer: About his Winnie the Pooh, that he lost in China.


• Tad's answer: That the whole world was made of chocolate.


• My Answer: Small kittens and that my children were being kind to each other.


• Mary's Answer: That she was a grown-up mommy kissing a daddy. (yes..from my 5 yr old!!!)

The follow-up question, where would you fly and what would you see:

• Mary's answer, The ocean and she would see crocadiles wiggling in the water.


• Taddy: The South Pole, and see penguins, polar bear and fish.


• Nick's: To Paris and see the Eiffel Tower, to Beijing and see the Olympics, and to the North Pole and see Santa.


• My answer: To the ocean and see dolphin and whales.

Pooh, at the Great Wall in China

Why we be drinkin' where we KNOW it is stinkin?

We know, huh?
From experience, we know the fountains that appear sparkly, enticing, promises of refreshment and end up clogging our mind and muddying our spirit.

Yet, we go slurp there anyway, and then wonder why the edges of our soul get crunchy.

Sometimes they are not even BAD cisterns...just not intended to water our spirit and soul. Maybe they are intended to bathe in, (or potty in) or water the plans in, but WE DRINK IT UP, repeatedly, then are in dismay over the state of our soul. (Soul = emotions, feelings, thoughts, desires, attitude)...wonder what is wrong.

All the time neglecting the living water that we KNOW gives life. Here is one of my bizarre excuses for skipping reading the word in the morning. "Well, I have not applied and lived out what I read yesterday, so I need to wait until I get that under control!" LOL!

It is water, drink it!

There is this TV drama, that I bought on DVD. It is interesting entertainment water...and I found myself going to it when I felt out of sorts, or ...whatever....rather than the word. And it just reels you in, little fishy on the hook.

So, with an "I know" sigh, I turn back to that which is life, living water, humbly begging pardon again, and drink. Deep.

Colossians 3 is where I am reading right now... "May the peace (wholeness, health, calm) which is Christ rule in your hearts..."

Yes, I want that, in my heart and home. So to be whole and healthy and at peace, I need to drink the water that gives life.

I was reading in a book last night that to bring change about in your family dynamics, you need to change yourself first. And I can see that. The only way I can sustain anytype of positive change is to be in the word and drink in God.

Am I thirsty?

The quenching is so simple, I often reject it.

Stinky Face...

Last night, Nick picked up this little kids board book from my bedroom floor where Mary had left it. I thought then, about the title and think it was God's message to me last night.

I came to Him dog-tail-tucked with full comprehension (and yet never really fully comprehending, truly. Just clouded-glass comprehending) that His grace is the only thing that keeps me alive and not walking in full guilt-wrapped condemnation. Monday and today my edges were so crunchy and my children sooooooo wild:

gasoline

match

haybarn

You get the picture. Not a good combo.

I am self-dissapointed but not dispairing. A fresh start was a humble prayer away.

The name of the book Nick took:?

I love you, stinky face.

Sometimes we are....stinky faced.

In Raleys parking lot Monday all four of us sitting in the stuffy-heated air in the car, that still carried our overboard meanness (ALL of us mean, truly). Nick my switch-from-mean-to-being-used-of-God boy turned the tide for us. In the five minutes of heated silence (we could not even walk into the store-all of us too internally simmering). In that thick, bubbling silence, as I am thinking to myself, "humble yourself, Ask for forgiveness, fix this!..and yet cannot, Nick quietly whispers:

"Anthony. I am sorry for the things I said and did. Will you forgive me?" Pauses

"Mary will you forgive me for yelling at you?" Another pause. By now my heart is full and so are my eyes, and I think to God. "Forgive me".

Nick continues in a hushed tone (as if knowing forgiveness is sacred) "Mom will you forgive me for being mean and disrespectful".

It just takes one to start the humbling. "Yes and will all of you forgive me?"

Tears and hugs all around. Then on to our grocery shopping trip.

A trip with little angels helping with the cart? Well no. One with little kids squabbling over who pushes who rides and who owns the pistachios. But at least forgiven and wounds on the mend.

It is by grace ye are saved (daily, continually) thru faith not of works, stinky face. :)