I'm not who I was....

I love this song....it has haunted me since the first time I heard it. It is interesting as I watched this version of the video and the signs of what each person was and what they are.

I have to agree, that truly I am not who I was...in so many many ways. Yet, I so often see all that is wrong with me. It is like the fallen redwood in my eye that obstructs my view of all else.

I am SO flawed.

I thought of what I would write on a little white board of who I was and who I am. WAS: Flawed, broken, rejected, hopeless, selfish. AM: Flawed, loved, accepted, hopeful.

I know again and again and again and...can I say it...again?..... if I don't stay consciously, deliberately connected to God and in His word, I just crumble and crunch around in my flawed-ness. When I stay connected, the flow of His Spirit fills in all the cracks and fissures and takes the flaws and wraps them in His love.

I'm not who I was...

Ok New Day.

Pity Party is all gone! More later..on the run!

Some Days, it just does not FEEL that way...

Today's my birthday. Ok. Well ...enough of that. I have been in a mood, slightly shifting mood for a few days. First sick, but its not that. Before and after the sick....just disconnected and far off.

I was listening to this song on an Amy Grant CD that says:

Lay down your burden, and I will carry you.
I will carry you, my child, my child....

Cause I can walk on water,
calm restless sea.
I've done a thousand things you've never done.

And I'm really watching,
while you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come.

I give vision to the blind
I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of hell
And I've returned
I've seen those sleepless nights
And count every tear you cry
Some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden, and I will carry you.
I will carry you, my child, my child....

So, I know those words to be truth. They line up with the character of God. They line up with His word. And His word is true.

But....

Some days it does not feel that way. Ok.

It seems, when I have been sick, it really shakes my peace.
I love God. I believe, according to His word, He loves me.
I believe, according to His word He is all-powerful and has all healing power.
I believe He is compassionate.

So WHY, when I cry out in my pain, does He not touch me? Heal me? Release my pain?

What possible good can come from Him letting me suffer. I believe He does love me. He must feel my pain. So why? When it brings me down, causes a hardship on my children. A hardship on my parents? Why? What possible good!?

But yet, I have to believe it did not slip his attention. He is El Roi, God who sees me. Or that He was too busy. He is El Shaddai, God Almighty. Or that He would choose not to care. He is Abba, my daddy.

So, sadden. I feel so distant. I want to lay my burden down and be carried...but I am feeling, if I lay it down, there it will lay. Just feeling.

I am also feeling pretty yuck yuck with myself. Being the invisible discarded. Then, I see these three loving faces....knowing another is waiting in Ethiopia, and seeing the two loving faces of my parents, and I know. To them I mean something.

To them I am more than my messy flat hair, my wrinkles, my extra pounds, my messy house, my inconsistencies and weaknesses.

To them I am something special.....but some days, it just does not FEEL that way.

Today's Widows...

CBS) Tanisha Gill was only 23-years-old, a single mother of two boys just off welfare and nervous about keeping her new job as a night shift clerk at a bank. "I made a bad choice," she says. As CBS News Correspondent Mika Brzezinski reports, when her babysitter called in sick, the choice Gill made was to go to work, leaving her sleeping children alone. Gill returned to discover her 2-year-old had fallen to his death from the ninth floor balcony just minutes earlier. She was arrested and charged with involuntary manslaughter. "I was just trying to raise them, that's all I was doing," she says. "I didn't have the resources necessary to do the job. I didn't have enough people in my corner to help me watch the kids." It is a growing problem that experts can't even put a number on. Earlier estimates say more than 7 million children are left home alone on a regular basis. The U.S. Census Bureau now even has a name for it: children in self-care. "Every morning I leave my house I say 'Honey be safe, be well and please make sure nothing happens,'" says one single working mother who wished to remain anonymous. With a job that barely covers the rent, she says there's simply no way around leaving her 9-year-old daughter home alone. When asked if she realizes she is taking a chance, the woman asks, "What choice do I have?" "I worry that could be me out there," she says. "I could be going to jail." And that's exactly what happened to Andrea Thompson, who says she left her kids alone for three minutes. "I spent almost three days in jail," says Thompson. "Straight from work, straight to jail." And three years later, she finally has her kids back but is still fighting to rebuild her life. She had left that day knowing that the sitter, who lived across the street, was on her way over. What she didn't know is that the sitter would call police and turn her in. She is still paying the price for that choice. "I lost my kids, i lost my job, my money and my self respect," she says. "I lost everything." "It makes me furious because these are impossible choices for women," says child care advocate Marie Wilson. Wilson says it's a miracle there aren't more cases like this. And when they do hit the headlines she says, there's only one question: Where is your mother? "Every woman watching this show, every mother that has watched one of these mother be persecuted says 'That could have happened to me, I know that could have happened to me,''' said Wilson. "Everyone is so judgmental," says Gill. "I made a mistake - the worst mistake of my life, and I still have nightmares about it. "I wanted to show them that mommy is doing her best so we can have a better life." Gill now says it would have been far better to just stay on welfare because then, at least, she'd still have her baby boy.
© MMIII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.

A new kind of Widow....

Ok...get ready for some venting. :)

So, I am a fortunate single mother. I had two children before I became a SINGLE mother, and have added two since, by the adoption choice. I make a heathly living, my boys have a father that chooses to stay involved in their life and support them financially. I can afford childcare and private school.

I am the exception. And yet, even with all the blessings God has given me as a single mother, some days, some times, some circumstances are really hard to walk "alone".

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Gen 2:18

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Eph 4: 9-12

Yet, even so, God walks it with me. There are so many, so many, the majority, of single mom's that do not have it as fortunate as I? (Why Lord? Why? Why aren't they blessed? I pray you will bless them, help them.)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:17

When this was written, the percentage of fathers/husbands that would CHOOSE to leave their children and family, were very low. It would have been a total disgrace, unthinkable. But in our present day culture, it is a very sad...very high percentage. Often the leaving father/husband is thought of no less than before, and his neglect overlooked, accepted. And who are the victims? The mom and children. These are are current day widows and orphans. Overlooked, forgotten, often needing to use welfare or assistance just to make ends meet.

Let's look at it a second. Childcare in my town averages between $175 to $190 A WEEK! Multiply that by two or three children and you are talking about $2000 to $3200 a MONTH! So let's just stop there. Forget, clothes, food, home, gas. .....dental, medical..... Just the childcare cost ALONE most mothers will not make enough income to pay. And how much more does a single mom's children need the extra peace of mind and assistance that a quality, Christian day care would bring. And they are no better. No cheaper.

What are we, as the church doing? If this is our TRUE religion, to look after these orphans and widows, WHAT ARE WE DOING? What are we using our church funds for? Carpet, lights, music equipment, new curicculum, special programs, camps, festivals, remodeling, bigger building, and yes, we do send some to missions. WHAT ARE WE DOING for the widows and orphans?

I am sorry, but I have to ask about my tithe. My attitude, in the past, has been to pay it into the church and trust God on the administration of how it is used. But I am now rethinking this. I am sorry. I know that is not the popular thing to say. But SHOW ME the church that is doing something about our societies current widows and orphans...single mom families, as well as older widows in our church... I want to see it. I cannot think of one, of all the churches in my town.

One has a daycare, at $180 a week!!! I am glad they have a Christian daycare, my children have all benefitted from it. BUT I CAN AFFORD IT!!!!! Most single mom's cannot. Especially those that get no support from the abandoning fathers.

What church has a free day care for single parents? A drop in care for those time when a parent just needs some help? Where do they turn? Who can they look to? What do their children have to settle for, who have already lost so much.

My heart breaks, as I know of those in my own extended family, that are facing this challenge. I know my God is more than able to provide and care for them. And I hold them up in prayer.

At the same time, I have to ask, as His church, as His hands and arms here on earth in this age, WHAT ARE WE DOING???

...Refusing to Post...

Update: Well as you can see, my refusal to write is over, as blogger, after 12 days, has fixes their picture problem. ! Now to catch up.

Bloggers picture function has been broken for about 11 days now...at least for some of us. Not sure why it is selective. Anyway, they ( they being the blogger fix it folks) have progressed to the point that the icon to upload an image is back, BUT, the function still will not work.

So I refuse to post all the many things in my head until it is done. So I have type the titles to remind me...but will wait for the real deal...when the bloggerettes have finished their repairs.

:)

Remains of the Day....

After a morning (Thursday) of speaking "British"....as I was driving to work, I thought of Emma Thompson. I really like her as an actress and have thoroughly enjoyed most any movie I have seen her in. As I talked "British", I felt like I was Emma, in my head, of course....and thought of the movie, Remains of the Day. Remember it, with Emma Thompson and Anthony Hopkins, both servants in the same household, with an attraction toward each other, but always unspoken...ending with the focus on lost opportunities.

As I reflected on the title I thought it could pertain to that short part of the day, when employment duties were over, before time to sleep, where ones true heart passions can be enjoyed...children, family, time with God..the remainder of the day. How do we invest those remains? In chores, carry-over work, or brain-dead escape entertainment? Or do we invest those remains, like the choicest meat on a steak, in what really counts. Some days, like the tea party night I spoke about previously, I invest my remains the best way possible, in love and sharing with my little ones. Not preoccupied, half-focused, "interrupted." And then, once in bed, I invest my remains with my Savior, in prayer, reading, Bible study.

I also thought "Remains of the Day" could pertain to being "advanced in years"..with the "day" being our life and the "remains" being what is left, from here on out. And whether than thinking it is the unimportant part, just the end of the record repeating itself until it runs out to the end...(for those of you unfamiliar with records ....well..go look it up in Wikipedia) Rather, like the remain of my day to day, the remain of my life can be the best part, the passion part, the invested in the eternal part. These little eternal lives and my God. (I saw a bumper sticker today that said "Jesus-Changing the world one life at a time." I loved that. So often, I feel what I am doing is so insignificant, and then that resets the telescope....one, two, three, four...lives at a time.) So with the remains of my day, what will I do with it?

The third way I thought of the title was like the remains, from a death, or accident. Grizzly, I am sorry. But thinking, if the remains, what is left behind by my life, where inspected, reviewed, analyzed, what would they say? What legacy remains? What difference did this life make, by reviewing what remains from my days?

It is funny, after I had thought of all this, I decided to look up the movie, to remind myself of the plot. It was funny to read how Wikipedia explained the title. And I did not even tell them my ideas! :) Here is what they wrote:

The Remains of the Day" refers to evening, when a person can reflect on a day's work. Evening is symbolic for older age, when one can look back and assess one's life work. But "remains" also suggests what is left after a wreck, and it may be suggesting that this life was wrecked. "The Remains of the Day" also refers to the last vestiges of Great Britain's grand houses.

Let's Be Silly....

Put a smile on your face! One of the many blessing of children is the full-fledged right, no, not just right, but requirement to be silly.

So are daring enough to be silly alone...without a pint-size excuse?

A few nights ago all four of us were having fun playing tea-party with Mary's tea set.

..sidebar: it was after work, Wednesday, and when Nick came into the kitchen and said, mom do you have some work to do or could you play tea party with us? and I responded, "sure, I'll play" he was beside himself with joy, shouting to the other two, Mom is going to play with us, mom is going to play with us!!!!" Bittersweet....I guess I need to do it more often.

We then began a two hour tea party, in which we spoke with British accents, remarked upon the behaviours of one Princess Qing Qing, Mr. Tadpole and Sir Nicholas, using words such as forthwith, hence forth and indubitably. Such fun, quiet quiet. No word was spoken about watching a video or playing a computer game. :)

The next morning, on the way to school, with the remnants of our last night Earl Gray adventures drifting through our minds, we decided to continue our British accents all the way to school. Much fun.

Silly part....once I dropped off all the kids to their classrooms, I had my normal Starbucks drive through and decided, all alone in the car, to order my beverage in character, fake accent and all., Vintay -Fore pump, shuger-free vaunillah naun-faut lottay, pleeze. :) I had to repeat it twice, with out cracking up laughing, and then at the window had to ask for a shoort straw pleeze....and smile.

Oh what giggle I got as I drove off. Fun to be silly.

Nail Therapy

Prayers, emails and nails....After several days of tossing turning, turmoil...I have come to a place of peace. Brought there of course by prayers of those who care about our little family..and a wonderful email from my mom full of wisdom. I love her so! God blessed me most in my life with my mom and dad and my children. All else is dim in comparison.

So, feeling release at last, I had to go for a little nail therapy....during lunch, I went for a manicure and pedicure. Pretty fingers and toes and a relaxing time in a vibrating chair........ah...

Speaking of nail therapy, I just HAD to share some pics a girlfriend shared with me. Now THESE ladies need therapy BECAUSE of their nails, I must say. I guess they must not..work, eat, read, write?

hmmmmm

Quiet....

I have been quiet. So much going on...transition...so many many, did I say, many thoughts in my head.... No way I can write even one of them with any justice. But, I want to share a snippet of something I read today...that was a reminder to me:

(From Beth's Blog):

"In my own quiet time this morning out on my back porch, God spoke to me about getting the "full measure" (those are the two words I kept hearing in my spirit) of God out of every trial or season. In other words, if I have to be in it, I want every drop of God I can get out of it. Milk that thang, Girls. Milk that thang. He didn't allow you to be in that situation for nothing. "

Yes Lord, I hear it. I am not in this for nothing. I want to get all of you I can through this! Amen!

A Stream.....

Our worship leader at church today said something that stuck with me. She was talking about our progression in worship...growth....and gave the example of a river. Sometimes it is rushing and tripping over rocks, even a down pour over a waterfall and sometimes it is like a lazy river, still, flowing slow, but yet still flowing....still growing.

And I was encouraged. At times I feel like I have made no progress at all, or are still struggling with the same old thing. But then I can trust God, that He will complete that which concerns me....and it is Him all the time working in me. Not up to me.

Why does He love me so? Why does He not give up on me? There are these three Amy Grant songs from her second In Concert CD...that really touch me. That He loved me, when no one else (except my mom and dad) would give me the time of day.... And what a difference He has made in my life. And each day..I want Him to fill me with His love again.


You gave me time
When no one gave me time of day
You looked deep inside
While the rest of the world looked away
You smiled at me
When there weren't just friends everywhere
You gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

That's why I call you Savior
That's why I call You friend'
Cause You touched my heart
You touched my soul
And helped me start all over again
That's why I love You Jesus
That's why I'll always care
'Cause You gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

You gave me laughter
After I'd cried all my tears
You heard my dreams
While the rest of the world just closed its ears
I looked in Your eyes and I found such tenderness there
'Cause You gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

That's why I call you Savior
That's why I call You friend'
Cause You touched my heart
You touched my soul
And helped me start all over again
And that's why I love You Jesus
That's why I'll always care'
Cause You gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

Yes He gives us love
When nobody gives us a prayer...

What a difference You've made in my life
What a difference You've made in my life
You're my sunshine day and night
Oh, what a difference You've made in my life

What a change You have made in my heart
What a change You have made in my heart
You replaced all the broken parts
Oh, what a change You have made in my heart.

Love to me was just a word in a song
That had been way overused
But You gave love a meaning
So I joined in the singing
That's why I want to spread the news
What a difference You've made in my life
What a difference You've made in my life
You're my sunshine day and night
Oh, what a difference You've made (what a difference You've made)
What a difference You've made in my life
What a difference You've made in my life
What a difference You've made in my life
You're my sunshine day and night
What a difference You've made(What a difference You've made in my life)

What a difference You've made in my life(What a difference You've made in my life)
Difference You've made in my life(You're my sunshine day and night)
What a difference you've made(What a difference You've made in my life)
Difference You've made in my life(What a difference You've made in my life)
You're my sunshine day and nightWhat a difference You've made(What a difference You've made in my life)
You've made a difference in me(What a difference You've made in my life)
You've made a change in my life(You're my sunshine day and night)

But there are so many
Who don't know the reason
Their lives are wasting away
Just souls without purpose
They wonder in darkness
Without a thought for the day
Well, I'm no Savior
I'm just a window
Through which Your sweet love light can shine
So clean out the corners of my darkened pane
And fill me with Your love again

Fill me with Your love again
Fill me with Your love again
I open my heart and soul for you to enter me
And fill me with Your love again

Fill me with Your love again
Fill me with Your love again
I open my heart and soul for you to enter me
And fill me with Your love again
I open my heart and soul for you to enter me

And fill me with Your love again

You Gave me Love
What a Difference You’ve made in me my life.
Fill me with your love again.

All Performed by Amy Grant on her In Convert TWO CD.

Psalm 91

Written at 4 am:

Not sleeping.

My three little babies sleeping in a tent - in the living room (and the fourth sleeping in an orphanage in Ethiopia).

Abraham slept in a tent most of his life.

Moses and the children of Israel slept in them for 40 years, prior to that 400 years of "borrowed" homes as slaves in Egypt.

Daniel, 70 years of temporary housing in Babylon.

He who dwells in the shelter of the most High will rest in shadow of the Almighty.

Think how easy it would be to sleep if your sleeping bag was nestled close enough to God's sleeping bag that you were in His shadow.

I am thinking of moving. Actually slightly more than thinking, actually taking some steps to get approved for a particular place I've found. There are so many reasons that indicate why this move would be in the best interest of my little family, yet one or two reasons that still have me scared:

Leaving the familiar for the unfamiliar is scary. I can relate to Abraham - or better yet, Sarah. My mom once joked if anything happened to her, Dad would probably be just as happy living in a tent. :) Maybe Abraham felt that way too...but I bet Sarah didn't.

In the middle of the night as the edges of fear crept in around my sleep - without thinking it through - self-reliant, independent, content-to-be-single me spilled out a prayer to my Abba: Father we need a daddy, a husband, to help with this burden of life and my babies. It is scary doing this alone. I can relate to Hagar venturing out with Ishmael alone. God sees me too. Knows the responsibility I carry. Who cares for my sons and daughters like me? (Yes, God does.)

What else scares me is the fact that I am trusting in the honor and goodwill of a person I have never met, the homeowner, as I am moving from BEING a homeowner to being a renter. (As if paying to live in a house without equity, that is truly owned by the bank can be considered owning a home anyway.) And as if a bank is anymore honorable, personal or out for MY good, than a homeowner would be.

So I will be a tenet on land I do not own. Like most of God's people through the ages -with a few exceptions. We are strangers and aliens, This world is not our home. There is a place being prepared for me and my little ones, as I write this.

Yet, here, now, it is scary. As I look at making this move to the unfamiliar, alone, "trusting" in someone I do not know, who does not know me beyond words written on paper-- I know where to curl-up my sleeping bag in this tent which is the rest of my life: In the Tent of the Most High, close enough that my bag and four other little ones fit within His shadow as we rest in His protection.

I will say of you Lord, you are my refuge, and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust. You know me, you see me, you provide for me and most of all you love me and mine.

Surely you will save us. Cover us with your feathers, under your wings we will find refuge. Your faithfulness will be our shield and rampart. We will not fear the terror of night --You promise us, If we make the Most High our dwelling, even the Lord, who is our refuge, then no harm will befall us. You will command your angels concerning us to guard us in all our ways.

We love you Lord, you will rescue us, protect us, for we call on you. You will answer us and be with us in trouble. You will deliver us and honor us with long live - you will be my satisfaction and our salvation.

Amen.