Thursday, April 24, 2008

Some Days, it just does not FEEL that way...

Today's my birthday. Ok. Well ...enough of that. I have been in a mood, slightly shifting mood for a few days. First sick, but its not that. Before and after the sick....just disconnected and far off.

I was listening to this song on an Amy Grant CD that says:

Lay down your burden, and I will carry you.
I will carry you, my child, my child....

Cause I can walk on water,
calm restless sea.
I've done a thousand things you've never done.

And I'm really watching,
while you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come.

I give vision to the blind
I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of hell
And I've returned
I've seen those sleepless nights
And count every tear you cry
Some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden, and I will carry you.
I will carry you, my child, my child....

So, I know those words to be truth. They line up with the character of God. They line up with His word. And His word is true.


Some days it does not feel that way. Ok.

It seems, when I have been sick, it really shakes my peace.
I love God. I believe, according to His word, He loves me.
I believe, according to His word He is all-powerful and has all healing power.
I believe He is compassionate.

So WHY, when I cry out in my pain, does He not touch me? Heal me? Release my pain?

What possible good can come from Him letting me suffer. I believe He does love me. He must feel my pain. So why? When it brings me down, causes a hardship on my children. A hardship on my parents? Why? What possible good!?

But yet, I have to believe it did not slip his attention. He is El Roi, God who sees me. Or that He was too busy. He is El Shaddai, God Almighty. Or that He would choose not to care. He is Abba, my daddy.

So, sadden. I feel so distant. I want to lay my burden down and be carried...but I am feeling, if I lay it down, there it will lay. Just feeling.

I am also feeling pretty yuck yuck with myself. Being the invisible discarded. Then, I see these three loving faces....knowing another is waiting in Ethiopia, and seeing the two loving faces of my parents, and I know. To them I mean something.

To them I am more than my messy flat hair, my wrinkles, my extra pounds, my messy house, my inconsistencies and weaknesses.

To them I am something special.....but some days, it just does not FEEL that way.

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