Art and soul...

I never blog anymore...huh?

I know.

I think a lot of things.

I facebook a bit.

But just don't blog ...sigh...

But I wanted to share a couple things.  The first is some fun mixed-media Art.   Thanks to Cindy Davis, and Dana Regules...for inviting me to an Art night.  SUCH therapy and so fun!  Cindy runs The Blue Egg Garage...great artistic classes and so much fun.

Here is the fun that I made last night, now hanging in my office!

 It is funny, when Dana asked me what type of girl I wanted, long hair, short, color of hair.  I said long, wavy.   She thought I was making it for someone else, but I was making it for ME!  My fantasy self with long wavy grey hair...ha ha.  like this.

And here it is in my little cubicle at work...right at home!  :)
































I also wanted to share a video that my son Nick is in .  A freshman, well now sophomore, he is part of the sign team at his school and some of them performed at the graduation commencement ceremony last Friday.   He is the one on the right in a tux.  They did the song I Wish, by Rascal Flatts.

It was very touching.  (filmed it from my phone, so sorry for the quality..and the first 5 seconds or so are slow.)

Happy Momma's day, every day....

{something I blogged at work today, so I thought I would post it here too}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

14 years ago I had just returned to work from my first sabbatical and my first baby. My son was 11 months old and as a new, yet older mother (who had been told she would probably never have children) I was thrilled to celebrate my first Mother’s Day as a momma.

My little chubby boy had just started his stumbling first steps as I was stumbling through my first steps as a momma, working full-time at Intel. So many of my days and nights were a blurry-whirl of interrupted sleep, day-care juggling, nursing -mother business travel challenges and just surviving life. Life was pretty hectic.

Even in the scramble, I was so enamored with my little guy, that I rushed to his daycare at lunch hour to spend that cut-out of time in my busy day with him. I couldn't stand not to! I walked out of FM1 each evening with a pounding heartbeat, and goofy grin on my face, thrilled that it was time to go pick up my baby!

14 years and 4 little minions later, I look at this mother’s day, still thrilled to be a momma, still juggling work and family, and űber-aware of the time-warp that happens with growing kids. My first little man now wears size 13 shoes, is running for student body president and chomping at the bit to learn to drive. I have two “tween”-agers burning up the basketball courts and my little third-grader who can’t understand why she can’t do all the things her big brothers and sister do. Being a momma in the thick of it, when most my same-aged friends are celebrating graduations, weddings and grandkids, I have one message share to all momma’s:

Savor this day

Find the joys, blessings and little gifts tucked in even the most hectic of days. Take a moment to notice them. Touch, hug, smile, notice. Slow and be present in those moments we share with them. Even the messy diapers, dirty, size-13 socks, empty snack bags scattered around the house and 5 gallons of milk on the grocery list are a momma’s gifts. On mother’s day, I realize it is not a card, or candle, flowers or even anything handmade that is the true gift. The true gift is the gift of time. The gift of being present, of all these moments, walking through this life together, as mother and child.

I want to see all of it.

Happy Momma's day, every day.

Sandee

sick with heart ache.....open the door wide....

why

why 10 years

why does evil rage

why are people so evil

how do we keep our daughters and sons safe?

how even to pray...when girls are held captive for 10 years......

God where are you?

and all the girls and boys held captive this very moment and we have no clue.....

Oh Lord Jesus..... are we alone in this?

if you ache too, and I know you do,  why not stop it?

this is too high a price to pay for free will...the imprisoning of our daughters and sons....

i say every home has to be inpsected twice a year, every member interviewed, every room searched, every locked door opened....

truly

only those with something to hide would not open their doors wide to save the captured...right?

~ , ~ , ~,

Please tell me, those of you with faith,  how do you process this?  How do you reconcile it?

setting free an artful life



Inspiration from: Beth Nicholls

 funny self

i did not realize you were so funny, funny thinking about certain things

i wondered

but did not slow down enough to question those funny asumptions tying your feet to the ground

then a spark of wonder, inspiration from here {thank you Kelly, for sharing your story and other possibilitarians...and i see i have some very funny thoughts holding me back.

 funny thoughts that are not so funny:

1-too old to start something new

2-don't know what to do and how to do it

3-it's not ministry

the third one is the biggest one.  the funniest one.   the one that held me dead in my tracks.  and now i see it is so funny-thinking.  oddness with a capital O.

 see, it's like this, funny self.  i work to pay the bills, to care for my family, to do my part and support us.  my work has meaning, not solving world hunger, but it is good work, some days exciting work, and it is a way to love my family and myself, providing for us.    it also, recently with a job change, moved into a good way to give back to others, help and encourage...move them on to being more effective and happy at work. {I now work in HR as an Org Capability Partner}.  so good job

i never question should i work, should i provide for my family, should i work at my current job..because....well, it is not 'spiritual', or a "ministry".   it is what i do to care for my family.

but, BUT..(BIG BUT)...

i have held myself back from diving into my artful passions because they were not "spiritual" enough.  they were not recuing orphans or saving souls.    they were {selfish?} me pursuing, making, creating beauty for no special reason other than to create it...

and my funny thought was, that is not ok.....

now isn't that silly?

if i can hold a job and provide for my family and it not be this big ministry-thing...yet, i keep waiting in my life (and i am not getting younger) and not pursuing the artful creativeness that excites my soul, because i can't do something BIG for God...isn't that silly?

why would he not want me to create and spread beauty?   if working for a corporation to provide for my family is good enough, then why can't artfullness be good enough too?

i am not sure i am making sense...and i am not sure i have it all sorted out, to be ok...

but i decided to let go of the debate, the handcuffs, the "if its not spiritual it is not valid"

pashaaaw!

this is my only life here...i want to spend it making beauty that makes me smile....expressing what is inside me....

i'm not doing any of those other BIG THINGS for God anyway....  i'm busy caring for a family and providing.... 

i want to live a small, quiet, artful life

and today i am giving myself permission to do that.  sounds silly....but i am.

i have no idea where it will go or what it will look like....

but it makes me smile, underneath my grey hair, to think about it.

i know all this might sound funny...but not funny to me.

{set your funny self free, darlin'}

A message to my heart....

Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn.

Psalm 57:8

 

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed.

Psalm 126:1

 



4 months without posting.   I was not sure if I would blog again. I had nothing really to talk about.  Nothing that facebook snippets would not suffice.  Or only the gnarly not fit for others consumption.  ...until today.

 

There are these two holes {pits} in my journey's road that I fall into again and again.    I have been in one or the other for the past 6-10 months or more...occasionally peering out over the rim for a second or two...just to slide back in a moment later.

 

The two holes:  performance {lack of performance guilt}  and distraction {performance-guilt escape}.

 

Been there, been there, been there, set up housekeeping there.... no windows, no doors, not even a ladder.....just a tunnel from the bottom of one to the bottom of the other.

 

And here is where grace is so amazing.  I toss and turn trying to grapple with how to arrange this chair and that table and this mood and that person in the bottom of these pits...and ask not expecting, but ask for wisdom. 

 

and grace answers.

 

doesn't give me the answer I thought...how to arrange this, or fix that or put this there.... nope.  Not the answer I THOUGHT I asked for.   But the answer I needed.

 

I read Ann today, because the title grabs me:  "How to live through through the Messy".  And I am all over that, because I am all over messy.  The bottom of pits are very messy.

 

And grace uses Ann's words to start a little candle-sized flame.  baby spark. a baby spark called Hope. with a middle name of Eucharisteo and a last name of Grace.   Reminding me once again, He loves me.    Just as I am.  and it is not about pit performance or pit escape.  It is about he loves me.  and keeps sending me these private messages of love that I tromp over, or gather up and put in the trash or just don't see.                      

 

and as I read things such as this:

 

"Heaven and earth both know I am a miserable mess away from perfect."

and this:

"I need the perfect, sinless sacrifice of Jesus Christ who can take all the broken messes and make them into mosaics of Grace."

oh and this:

" And it’s crazy — the relief of just smiling. Christ invites us to celebrate the full life as the celebrants — not because we’ve got it all together, but because He’s finished it all at the Cross!"

and....

"The Art of Celebrating Life isn’t about getting it right — but about receiving Grace. Regardless of the mess of your life, if Christ is Lord of your life — then you are the celebrant out dancing in a pouring rain of grace! Because when it’s all done and finished, all is well, and Christ already said it was finished."

And as I start sharing these words to encourage another....  I think, hope, again...that perhaps ...just perhaps....{ "Eucharisteo always precedes the heart miracle."} perhaps I could have a heart miracle?

Perhaps I could grab that grace-scarred hand reaching down into these tunnelled pits and be pulled out. 

And smile again with my heart.

And live again in a place, in a relationship where my best friends are not fictitious characters in some murder-mystery.  Where I no longer find artificial joy-imitations in snippets of imagination acted out for camera, but in my heart. In a real relationship, again.

so, I type a private message to one I want to encourage..and as I type the Spirit of Grace gets fired up and starts writing truth that I had forgotten {?}...and it writing not just to my recipient...but to ME...to ME.

Awake my soul....your dream is hear and now!

Here is a paraphrased version of my private message....for me to look back on in the future and remember...and maybe just encourage another.

I remember once you told me about a time when you and God came to this point...where you surrendered the "have to fix it" (my words not yours)....forcing prayer....when you let go....and surrendered...that regardless if your children chose him or not....you were still choosing him....that heaven was still your dwelling place even if!

Remember that?

And I was thinking....even if someone chooses not to live daily in grace, gracefully toward others, chooses not to live out, or seek living out the fruit of the Spirit, even if it is so....

WE...WE will choose to live in grace.

We will choose to thank him for the good and bright and beautiful he places in our life. For the daily, moments.

Grab that book, jot those gifts....regardless. We choose and celebrate life. and Thank him...and as we thank him for the good that he DOES give in our life, our heartview changes...and the not-good stain from the fall around us is not as visible.

We choose to focus our eyes on the giver and the watercolor glimmer of Eden, not on the stains of the fall.

Our focus will change our heart.

He is all grace.

Grace for our weakness.

Grace for our forgetfulness.

Grace for our wanting it to be other than it is.

{Even he felt that..."if it be your will, let this cup pass, never the less.....and for the JOY set before him endured..."}

Hey, let's on facebook each day post a list....no explanation..we will know. a gift list.

from something as little as cheering a son on at basketball, cold iced coffee, ann voskamp encouragement, another room packed (another box unpacked) a cheery word from my new boss, a paycheck,

by the blood of the lamb (grace) and the word of our testimony (thankfulness for every good gift {God-gift} that comes from above) we overcome.

a momma sitting in the dirt on a side road in Addis Ababa,

nursing baby at her empty breast smiled when a passer-by handed her a half-ripe banana

if she can smile, so can we.

we did not choose the skin color we were born into,

the continent,

the family,

the decade,

the financial class....

we did not choose any of that....yet

HE FOUND US.

He sought us out.

He wooed US.

We are the kings sweetheart, as incredulous as that sounds.

Us.

Broken messy limping often sniffling Mephibosheth us....invited in to dine with the king 24 X 7.

A banana to smile about.

So let's do this thing. As Beth says.

Let's grab a hold and not let the stain of the fall, even reflected in those we love most, pull us down, make us forget.

 Let's take that word that does not return void,

that is deep within us and not just chew on it....

but sow it into the soil of this planting season.

We will reap a harvest beyond our imaginings if we do not give up.

Let's not let anything or anyone rob our joy!

("Preaching it" to myself as well as you. You remind me, I will remind you. :)

Ann's post today just gave me the spark of accepting grace,

{again}

 letting go of performance,

{again}

taking my eyes off the messy (inside and outside of me)...

{again}

and realizing

{once again}

that Eucharisteo precedes the heart miracle

A joyful heartin a fall-stained world is a miracle.

"Be joyful in hope,

patient in affliction,

faithful in prayer."

Romans 12:12

So be it.

just one....

My mom is an angel.  :)  saint.

sweet hearted, God loving, fragile  strong woman who I see God's love and life flowing through when she does not even see it herself.

she does this amazing thing, with dad.   for dad.  (for me too)

she will go to see dad, when he has had a hard night, and is down and crunchy and just heart sunk.

and she (even when she feels personally past the end of her own rope, only brushing her fingers against tatter strands)...she will soothingly talk, be calm, logical, speak the right truth, remind him yet again, of what is right and true and good and noble (think on these things)...and after an hour of two of just being, and speakling life....she turns papa around.  By the time she leaves to go home. his perspective has changed, his mood has lifted and he is facing foward, again.

many days she has to do this days in a row. how blessed papa is.  what a blessing she is.

and i was thinking...sometimes I have to do that for myself.   I have to talk the truth to myself, remind myself and raise my own spirits with what I know to be true and just and right and noble.   because sometimes circumstance, or those who have a different opinion (often the other side of my own self) can tell me just the opposite.  

On facebook today, I was telling my mom how how sometimes a feeling or a bump in the road can seem so overwhelming or upsetting, making me downcast and fretting....my perspective all out of wack. But if I will just step on regardless, do the next right thing, as much as I can at the moment, focus on the small step...and breathe....that after a day or two, or sometimes even an hour or two, the bump is seen for what it is...a bump...or an emotion. But life winds on...  families still love, laugh still happens, smiles still cross our hearts, aches soften ...some to warm memories, some to sore thoughts to be avoided....but the future is still bright...and the long range future is brilliant.....

 giving my self my own pep talk.

and after i wrote those words...I was so overwhelmed by God's love.
How He loves us just as we are...
not as we should be,
not as we wish we were,
not as we think we oughta be...even in our stumbling weakness and brokenness, HE loves us...and is all the time working in us, in our lives, in our kids lives, moving on this journey closer to him.


even when our mouth spits the wrong words and our habits don't do the right things, and our heart grows scared. he still loves us.

to be loved, truly loved, just the way we are is an amazing gift...

the gift of Christmas lasting a whole life long.....a baby born to be our true love

And it made me think of the song my son sang in church a couple weeks ago,  Downhere's song, How Many Kings... (I have the words and video below...)

to think that the king of Kings and Lord of Lords was born to die for ME. Out of love...so I could be with him. Now that is pretty incredible.

Just one King would do this...just one...



Words to How Many Kings...


Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe, after all we've projected,
A child in a manger?

Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mother's shawl -
Just a child -
Is this who we've waited for?

(chorus)

How many kings step down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
And how many gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that is torn all apart
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?



Bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
All that we have, whether costly or meek
Because we believe.
Gold for his honor, and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he will suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?

All for me...

All for you...






How Many Kings (Live) - Downhere from downhere on GodTube.
How Many Kings (Live) - Downhere from downhere on GodTube.

Christmas is coming tra la tra la

It's that magical time of year again!

ho ho ho

learning the new normal

as i sat the thanksgiving table this past week, i realized this was the first time in more years than i can remember that my dad will not be at this table with us.  being in a wheel chair and not well, he cannot travel to our home.

so, we traveled to him.   I piled all four kids in the car, after we popped the turkey in the oven, loaded with scrabble, Yahtzee, chess and cards..and we took ourselves to papa.

We may have been a bit loud, a bit noisier than his daily routine...but we all enjoyed a couple hours of playing games, before he got his Turkey and pumpkin pie.  This is our new normal.

We are moving the weekend after Christmas, to a new home...one mile from the kids school and big enough to allow momma some room to live with us.     I am sad that mom and dad can't sleep under the same roof, but I am tickled that she will be moving in with us.   She is such a blessing to us, and I think our puppy Bella, will be thrilled as well... the kitties?..who knows?  If she pets them, they will. :)    So this, starting 2013 in a new home (to us) and with mom, that is our new normal.

The other night I was packing my bookcase (packing is ugly....but setting up all new, is good),  and as I packed I thought, this will be my first home that I have lived in that papa has not fixed.  and I cried.  He has always handled my "honey-do" list.   A sticky door, a broken hinge, a clogged sink, a  cracked window, a must have it improvement...papa always fixed it.  his golden heart and golden hammer always loving to help.    my heart grew heavy knowing I would be in a house that papa did not fix.

then a day later, I was thinking about the move, and taking apart and putting together all the beds, and hanging all the curtain rods....and hooking up the washer and dryer and refrigerator...and yes, I have my papa's drill and know how to use it...but I think most moves my whole life long, papa has been there with me, tearing down, setting up, and fixing....   this part of our new normal I do not like.  But I will adjust.  It is our new normal.  And after visiting with papa and playing a hand or two of cards, I will go home and set up this or that...and it will be ok.  different, but ok.

I might even say "oh man!!!" like papa does, when something doesn't come together right, or drill in straight! :)..even a "gosh" or two. :)  a new normal.

I start a new job in January.   same company, but after 20 years in IT I am making a move to a new job in HR.   And rather than having a desk and cubicle, I will be a "mobile" working, bringing my laptop and using shared work spaces.   a new normal.

so as i look at a lot of change in our lives, i look forward with hope and a little bit of excitement.  Yes, it will be different.  It won't be exactly what I have known, or grown accustom to, but it can still be good.  Great even.    And it will become our new normal.

and like Ann teaches me, I will find the blessings tucked into the corners of every day and enjoy our new normal. 

God's hand is watching over us and whatever waves come our way, he walks on them, and that is our new normal.

look at the calendar...

can it really be the end of November...just two days away from turkey day?     and no posts in October....

so much has happened in our home and family and life ...and still happening... it is truly a time of change and clinging to God...

each day of this month, I have written a status on facebook of the what I am thankful for...and I will say...each day there is always something.   Our Lord blesses in the middle of hard times and times of change...

this month saw:

 my "baby boy" going to his first homecoming dance....  how did he grow up so quick.

my sweet daddy go into ICU in the hospital twice....and now he is in a nursing facility..we take one day at a time and find the good in each day     one special blessing is spending a lot more time with my momma.  I have loved that...even if it is just connecting by the phone, or going to appointments regarding dad.... I have so enjoyed it...and continue to.

my nick also made student council, after our garage sale fundraiser, and he made the sign language team at school

the back to school program...which I loved..

me being offered a new job at work, after interviewing and interviewing and interviewing.  i am excited to start a new career in the new year.

us searching for and finding a new home, hopefully.   we are waiting to hear this week...and if all goes well, we will be moving right after Christmas....with my sweet momma moving in with us.

some Christmas shopping already, and secrets tucked away, brown paper packages tied up in strings....

a fun family photo shoot for our annual Christmas picture...dear Elizabeth Coller did a great job...

answers to prayer regarding papa's care and logistics

soccer season end for one and start for three others...basketball summer league end and winter season begin

parent teacher conferences with a smiling momma walking out of each one...

so a very full and busy month...  with Thanksgiving day right around the corner.   We are visiting papa, and playing board games and card games in the morning, then having our own late Thanksgiving feast at home, with my momma.  

Much to be thankful for.

Nov 1: November...every day I will list at least one thing that I am thankful for...a gift from God., between now and Thanksgiving..... tonight it is family...both my those that share the same last name as me...and those who share the same Father God. :)

Nov 2:  Today I am thankful for Fridays....they seem such a day of promise and release... a day to gather back in the family from our week of work and school and to kick our shoes off and kick back for a couple days. Truly TGIF!

Nov 3:  Today I am thankful for my brother...someone to talk to about mom and dad....and he's coming to see them today...

Nov 4:  Today I am thankful for an extra hour sleep, weekends, and going to church with other believers...

Nov 5:  It's Monday, so what am I thankful for today? Have to dig a little deeper...a good job that helps me provide for my family....

Nov 6: I am thankful for decorating for Thanksgiving....love putting up leaves and pumpkins and apples...and taking down the jackolaterns and cats..there is a celebration between Halloween and Christmas..and it is one of my favorites!

Nov 7:  Today I am thankful for Jesus...who never changes, never pulls away, never tires, is always patient, loving and optimistic!

Nov 8: Today I am thankful for two things: First my sweet friend/sister Rebecca, she is dear and just a blessing...When we grow old we will share a house, like those two old sisters in the Waltons and maybe even make moonshine! (haha)..that is unless some silverhaired prince charming doesn't sweep her off her feet before then! :) The second is the flexibility of my work to meet appts for mom and dad and to allow me to work from home when the need it great. Blessings both!

Nov 9:  To day I am thankful for rainy Friday's, Christmas music, little girls excited to play soccer, and puppy buddies!

Nov 10: Today I am thankful for playing board games with my kids and my mom.......and for sitting in the living room listening to Taddy and Nick play worship songs and songs Nick wrote for Nanny.

 

Nov 11:  Today I am thankful for a new song my son wrote for church, the Word of God, Lasagna hot out of the oven and Sunday afternoon naps! yea!    this is silly, but, I am thankful that my kids still like to watch Spongebob Squarepants (although I can't take it myself)...regardless of their age! :)

 

Nov. 12:  today I am thankful for....connections... friends, co-workers, family....who connect in a a real way...and share their whole self...not just their "role" self. :)

 

Nov 13: Today I am thankful for co-workers who really care and come along side to support in our careers. Hope I can do the same for them.

 

Nov 14: Today I am thankful for prayer and a Savior who hears and listens and even interceeds on our behalf...that we do not walk this alone!

 

Nov 15: Today I am thankful for making decisions and trusting the Lord will walk with us. {Sometimes it is so hard to know what to do, which is best, when you cannot tell the future.)

 

Nov 16:  Today I am thankful for God's word and how at just the right time, the Holy Spirit will bring a verse to mind....as I lay worrying over something last night and this morning, the verse about not worrying about what you wear or what you eat, that Jesus dresses the lilies and feeds the birds, how much more will he care for us..... came to mind. So I focus one day at a time and trust Him for the future

 

Nov 17:  Today I am thankful for hope, and change that helps, this season..and my kids having fun during a week off from school. AND my boys playing in church this am.

 

Nov 18:  Thankful for a fun morning in Old Sacramento...and out annual photo shoot..thank you Elizabeth Coller!

 

Nov 19:  Today I am thankful for change and new things on the horizon...and finding out that it is Christ who strengthens me.

 

 

a fun-stuffed weekend...

We had a fun-stuffed weekend.... thought I would share a bit....





the joker, Bane and kitty..ready for the night of 1000 pumpkins



a few of the 1000



That was Friday night....then Saturday am...we had a fundraising garage sale...We packed all our "stuff" in the suburban and took it all to Nanny's house.  She had a sweet little sign all ready for us.

I think one of the biggest thrills for Nick, was that I let him drive the car from where it was parked across the street, to the front of Nanny's house.....ALONE!

  Then later on Sunday, I scored a great find!  An old turntable/stero and radio..that WORKS!   My boys were a bit puzzled...until their heard the cool sound of an LP with it's pop and fizzle.   I have plans to chalk paint and clean it up!  So excited for all those albums I have been gathering!  Just in time for Nat King Cole Christmas....

Later on Sunday (besides Science Project Note cards),  we had fun wrapping and stuffing Operation Christmas Child Boxes!

Like I said..we had a fun stuffed weekend!   and Halloween is a hop skip and 1/2 a jump away....here is a little fun smile video.....

the monster mash....