knitting needles are quiet, sewing machine still, scotch tape and wrapping paper set aside, the oven off and baking pans cooled.
the week after Christmas, the new years schedule not yet kicked in, the old year lingering in the pause...
this is the time my thoughts and prayers start to lean forward into the coming year.
a pause to reflect...
what am i doing well and not well. what am i not doing and what should i be not doing.
i must admit, last night, in the middle of sleeping children and quiet pets, i worried.
i thought about all i worried about. i grappled for answers and did not find many.
just unknown. and i felt alone.
i read of Amanda's quiet week and expectations....a new baby on the way, a cozy, buttoned in family, a daddy who shares it all with her. i admit, i felt envious. sad. alone. scared. (truthfulness here).
i don't want 2011 to be a repeat of 2010. not that 2010 was so bad. it had some great parts and some hard parts and many parts in between. i just don't want to feel so alone. i don't want to feel so distant and doubtful and unknowing of (and unloved by) God. the main word there is feel.
last night, as i worried...i half-heartedly prayed...."do no worry about anything, but pray about everything and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and mind." i said all my worries to the silent night air..where God lingers? does he? but I did not feel peace or a guarded heart i felt alone with the weight of my world on my heart. perhaps it is my unbelieving heart? i want to believe and on some levels i do believe...my emotions just are not believing at the moment. my emotions are tired, and worried, and lonely. ...
so it is with melancholy that i look out at 2011. struggle with many of the same struggles of 2010...i do see progress....but just not what i would have hoped.
so in this pause...when one is not quite over and the other has not quite started, i want to make time for my creator, my ish, my maker who is my husband, and together find the hope and faith and inspiration to look forward to 2011. so i may be quiet for a while, during this pause....
i hope your new year, your 2011, brings that which delights your heart and fills your soul with hope.
from Ann this morning:
"The bit of lostness that I always feel deep inside — this lostness is the way of the ones genuinely living, and finding this out is the way to becoming found.
It’s my dazed, desperate drifting — my daily drowning — that drives me wild into that manger, has me on my knees and clinging tight to the plank of wood with a Saviour laying on it. This is the unbelievable rescuing!"
O God, I have tasted Your goodness,
and it has both satisfied me
and made me thirsty for more.
I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire.
O God, the Triune God,
I want to want You;
I long to be filled with longing;
I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Your glory, I pray,
so I may know You indeed.
Begin in mercy a new work of love within me…
Give me grace to rise
and follow You up from this misty lowland
where I have wandered so long.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Some would gather money Along the path of life Some would gather roses, And rest from worldly strife. But I would gather children From among the thorns of sin, I would seek an ebony curl, And a wide and toothless grin. For money cannot enter In that land of endless day ,And roses that are gathered Soon will wilt along the way. But oh, the laughing children ,As I cross the sunset sea, And the gates swing wide to heaven ,I can take them in with me! ~Author Unknown~
“God wins us, not by shouting, beating us up, or starving us into submission, but by asking for an invitation to enter.
We are loved into surrender. The more we accept that he operates out of love for us, the more we will entrust ourselves to him.
Fénelon expresses this truth beautifully: "God is not a spy looking to surprise you. He is not an enemy lurking in the shadows to hurt you. God is your Father who loves you, and wants to help you if you will but trust in His goodness."