Monday, November 30, 2009

Is it shameful?

Is it shameful to be poor?

We are far from poor, truly, I know that...perhaps we are the "rich poor". The ones who live in a culture and economy that making a very healthy income, you still can't make ends meet.

Is it shameful to be poor?

He turns his face to the window so I will not see, face crumpled in sadness, when I tell him I cannot buy the $7 box of goldfish right now, and will have to wait for new shoes, even though the old ones on one of them has ragged toes and on the other is pinching his foot.

I have seen that turned, crumpled face too many times these past two months. When he had to go weeks and weeks without a working calculator in Math and he said everyone kept asking him why he doesn't bring one, and he would not say. The day he told me that, I stopped by the grocery store and spent $10 less on groceries that week...and he walked in proud of his little calculator.

My heart ached.

He kept asking for the next music book for band, and a new mouth piece for his saxaphone. I kept postponing. After weeks, I asked when they were going to start using the new book. He said, the band teacher is waiting on him, to get his book, then they all will. :( We were overdrawn that week, but he had his book on Monday.

I told him today, things will be better in Januray. Why? He asked.

Well, I am not completely sure, but we won't be saving for a homestudy or wanting to buy a Christmas tree, and I changed internet providers and changed my phone it is less expensive.

We shop at Winco, we buy from thrift stores, we see a movie MAYBE once a month. I never buy at Starbucks..... I will be paying less for childcare....

I have not minded being more conscious of spending and spending less. Going without the fluff.

But I have hated going without, or postponing on things they need.

I have hated when a note for a $10 gift exchange at school, or a plaid shirt as a costume makes my heart and mood drop. When a mistake ends up with multiple bank fees.

I hate it.

I am trying so hard. They have started saying, "momma can't afford that right now." I don't think that is bad. It is good to learn to live with less...and learn to make do.

But I hate the shame my son feels. Living in a culture where you buy what you want, when you want.... he feels shame when we do not have the money.

Is it shameful? I don't think so....what do I do to help him not feel shame? Why must we live where shame is tied to lack of money??!!!!

I make choices, private Christian school, as an eternal investment.... I know how much that costs. But I know how much NOT doing it would cost. So I make choices....

just pondering.

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