"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
lean not on your own understanding,
in all your ways, acknowledge Him
and He shall direct your path.
"Come near to God and he will come near to you"
That is what I crave.
There is a lot I don't know. A lot that is out there, that bends my mind and tries to move my thoughts. Much I do not understand and I think I need to have an opinion on. Much that this one or that one says, this is it, this is the way. This is what is wrong, or this is what is right. This is what you should do.
and I wonder.
And then there is much in here (my home, family) that has my heart wrung-out like the spiraled lines in my tightly, twisted washcloth, dripping tears, tearing threads, expelling murky water. The emotions of the day traveling from the Mohave desert to Alaskan glacier peaks and all points in between. With so much territory covered daily, there is no way to measure, was this day better than the last? Are we improving? Who would know?
See because improving in my mind equates with hope. And I desperately need hope that the current state of the union is a journey and not our destination.
And then, each day I come slam-faced into the fact that I am inadequate to the task. So there is also much inside here, in my heart, in my character in need of molding struggles that consumes me, throws me face to the mat gasping for air.
So I crave simplicity.
I crave Jesus loves me (woos me) simplicity and to know He is fully in this mess with me and is not the least bit daunted. Nose to nose on the mat, breathing each others air. He doesn't say, get up. He doesn't say bad, on ya, for being flat out. He breathes his breath. exhales. I innhale.
I don't want to worry if it is this, or that, or here or there, and this technique, or those words, or this book or that method or pray this way, or go doooooooooo.
I need Jesus.
I need His scripture. Speak to me.
I need to live simply, and hold on to Him for hope. Improvements or not.
I need to walk humbly with my God.
I need to trust in the Lord with ALL parts of my heart and not try to understand it all.
I need Him to direct me.
I need Him to come near, down here on the floor, kneeling by the door, head on knees not knowing what to do and no impetus to do it if I did.
Jesus, Papa, Spirit. I need you. We need you.
Today I am grateful for:
- my son speaking God's truth
- kitchen counter hugs
- heart quickening
- my oldest son seeking out the wounded and making peace
- my littles daughter wanting to give gifts and passing out Tiana stickers and ponytail holders (even to her brothers)
- lovers of Jesus
- reading a book with my son, and him saying, I need this!
- God, who never gives up on me, and still loves me. and knows all.