at this step in the journey

{warning: may be rambling}

i sat in the parking lot this morning...at work, for about 10 minutes and knitted and cried.

if i titled this post the way i was {am} feeling, i would have titled it "the defective one". {me}

and then pile more stuff on top of myself because not only am i upset with myself, but i am upset with being focused on and upset with myself.

i would have went on to say how there is so much i can't stand about myself {ucky, yucky, wasted, tainted past - leaving ucky, yucky, slimey goo all over my present heart/mind}, that i cannot understand how anyone else can stand me. and God, how can you stand me?

and that i have four little-getting bigger every second i am defective-children who depend on me, are looking to me, with their only childhood in their hands, and they got a defective one. a defective mom.

and that i know what to do, and i don't do it.... on top of being defective.

and i might of added something about the fact that i am angry at the Radical book right now. that it is making me grouchy. and being defective is making me grouchy. and i am making me grouchy.

that is what i would have posted, as i knitted and cried.

but then:

I read this post by Ann Voskamp that reminded me and made me hungry once again for just the pure word. Chewing on it. Reveiwing it. Memorizing it. Reflecting on it.

I read Amanda's soul-nourishing comments about knitting in silence, and realized why I sat there and knitted and cried.

I read Cindy's little comment on facebook about what she is thankful for and thought WHOOOAAA NELLY! Yes, the glass is really half-full (probabaly truthfully, overflowing) if I could just take my eyes off me and look to Him.

I listened to this little vimeo clip by Tommy Nelson and realized the tactic of my enemy is to discourage me with me.

I listened to Francis Chan talk about the desire that a description of my life could fit into the book of Acts and not read like it was out of place.

I realized at this step in the journey, defective or not, unsettled with Radical or not, consistent or not, I can be thankful without having all the answers. I can once again, bend, turn, press in to Christ, knit and cry and let Him love me...where I am right this moment. I can know that this is just a step, not the end of the journey, not the easiest or the hardest part, just a step.