unfixable.... so you do what? through salty tears of regret let time wear it thinner and thinner until perhaps it disappears?
or coat it over and over with so much, that maybe it will be forgotten underneath?
I don't know. today I don't have answers. I only have unanswered questions partnered with unanswered prayers...or so it feels.
I read Heather echoing first Ann's words and then my questions, and I think. I know..yes yes..I know.
Why don't I get it? You would think by now I would understand God. Trust more. Be able to explain how it all works.....
"See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom, and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss?"
-- Julian of Worwich, Revelations of Divine Love
Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened. Just as I have planned, so it will stand. Isaiah 14:24
Why do I still not understand God? Why do I look at all around me and feel alone, forgotten, feel my prayers are wasted air? How do I believe and hope, when I do not see?
My heart aches for my children and their wounds. My heart aches for my inability to be a wonderful momma. My heart aches and I feel I have no where to turn...but to logic. And logic is hollow and cold and uninspiring.
Why don't I see God? Why don't I trust Him to move? Why don't I feel he answers? I am desperate for him to....
and I hear silence.... passionate prayers repeated long....silence...
occasionally, a little slip of the tongue comes with an "answer" so I doubt it really is one. I think, it would have been so anyway...it came too easy, because....
because... because the passionate long ones end with silence....
(so it seems)
last night I was sick sick sick. very sick with a headache. throwing up sick. the kids were in bed...I could not even tuck them in. for hours I lay in bed, in pain, trying not to move and throw up, again. All I prayed over and over and over (as I have many times in the past, when I am sick with headaches)....Jesus help me, Jesus help me, Jesus help me.
i felt nothing, but pain and no hope of help. no deeper purpose or insight as to the pain, or the error in my ways that would cause prayers to be blocked (is this grace?) I felt sick...I threw up...I finally fell asleep, exhausted.
exhausted today, I stumbled through. felt slightly revived reading Ann's words..reminding me, dangling me a thread of hope.... but too tired to do anything about it...yet...
then one squabble too many, one unkindness too much, i bust the barndoor off its hinges with too tired, too hopeless, too discouraged words of anger and frustration spewing from my mouth. i say the unthinkable, unfixable, unimaginable.... and weep. and weep ..and weep. i could not even ask for forgiveness. too much to ask. after miles of silence...i just say, i was wrong. i was angry and said words untrue. i was wrong. I did not deserve forgiveness, so I did not ask for it. just admitted my failure.
then...later,....tonight, my Taddy is ill. in bed the covers over his head, he is ill in emotions and ill in body. he spews the lies "he sucks. everything he does sucks" he will never play any instrument as good as his brother, no use taking lessons...he will always suck. we try to console, encourage, Nick and I, but Taddy is not buying it. my heart aches... 30 minutes later, he calls me into his room. his head hurts so bad he is crying. allergies, headache, even feels hot. I give him Tylenol. a cold cloth on his head...a kiss..rub his cheek, his head his neck. I love him so much my whole chest aches....and I pray words that my heart does not believe makes a difference. there I said it. I pray them for him, all the while thinking...and when it does not happen what will Taddy think?
Oh Lord...help me. I do not understand you.
One person says this, the other says that....
your word says this, yet all around me I see that....
my prayers seem about as effective as tattooing a rock, yet I say them...in desperation....
i imagine my great sin, lack, less than par spiritual performance is the cause, yet your word says grace, under the blood, that my filthy-rag righteousness is not the answer....
Japan has earthquake after earthquake... yet we all are praying....
Haiti has tragedy after tragedy, yet many are praying....
our hearts are torn and then patched up and tucked away because it hurts too much to care and not have anything effective to do....
it is all so overwhelming....
and still you do not come...
you do not show yourself....
my heart aches....
I have no where else to turn.
I will not turn anywhere else...there is no life, but you.
But you are so hard to understand.
are you silent?
why?
all these people who say you said this, or are doing that, and lead them here and dreamed them this or visioned them that....
I hear, see, dream, vision none of it.
are you doing all that? or is it wishful grasping?
and i know this is raw...and not the right things to say...but you took it from David...I know you can take it from me too. because this is where I REALLY am..no charade, or paint it pretty....
all I can say, through aching, doubtful lips is still this: Jesus, help us, for we are yours...
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