Monday, November 03, 2008

Some More

(It is funny, as I write this, I can hear my boys downstairs having some type of a loud and boisterous interaction, and Mary being loud in the other room. Angela, with her hands full is dealing with Mary as the boys are out of control. I guess we live loud. I want SO to intervene, and set them straight, but it is Angela's time with them and I feel I need to let her work it out. )

Reality vs a watercolor fantasy.

I still love it.

Consequences will come, when I am done here. But I still love family life.

I had an emotional morning this morning. I was called back after annual mammogram. First more pictures were taken, lots and lots of more pictures. The more they took, the more alarmed I became.

Then I had to wait, and wait, and wait, the xray technician said the radiologist had to read the mammograms and then determine if more pictures were needed, or if I needed an ultrasound. Wait, wait. Then, yes, an ultrasound was needed.

I had experienced this once before, years back, so was kind of ok with it. I thought. As I laid on the table with the ultrasound, I thought how odd. This same machine was used to show me my little boys, both, when they were in my womb, and now...what will it show me?

As she took picture after picture, and zoomed in and clicked and measured, like before she measured the size of my baby, and the amount of amniotic fluid, I did not want to see what she was measuring and clicking on today. I laid there, and silent tears ran down my face. I prayed, I had prayed in the past, and I was praying again.

I knew, know, I am in God's hands. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for my little ones, and regardless of the "picture-verdict" and my perspective of what would be best. I trust God's will. So, as I laid there, wet-faced, with a business-like technician ignoring my emotions, I was thinking who would take my children? Who could I ask to care for them, love them, protect them, raise them to be lovers of God? Who would be willing? I thought of one person I might ask, who I don't even really know.

And as I cried and prayed and thought, I thought this too, is God's will. HE knows where my children should go. He knows their life from beginning to end and what is to be of it. I thought, how broken, in a sense our little family could be. Each of us has suffered abandonment and rejection. My two sons, with a dad who walked away from a family commitment, and my two daughters with parents unknown. And me. The broken family, in love with God and in love with each other. and loved on by our Nanny and Papa. We are a good family. A strong family. Those who have lost love, love that much more, I suppose. (I remember, in my dramatic morbidity, thinking, am I a dead woman walking?)

Many many clicks and measurements later, I was left alone, to wait, again, for a radiologists interpretation. My mind going to the furthest outcomes, worse possible scenarios and still trusting God, my wise and loving God.

After what seemed like a long, long, time....the technician returned.

Quickly, uncomfortable with my emotions, she said it was nothing to worry about, I missed the rest of her fumbling explanations, heard the word cysts, and come back in 6 months....

I thought: more time.

I get some more time.

More hugs, more playing, more referring, more loving. I get some more....

Thank you Father, God...that your will for me is some more!

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