Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Deep end of the pool...

I had this dream last night that has lingered with me all day. It has made me sad. Has made me hug my kids longer...and just feel like being a recluse.
When I woke up from it, I was yelling "Get your hands off my boy!". After I woke up and thought about the dream, I just stayed in bed and cried.
Both for the feeling of what was happening in the dream, but more for the pain my child was experiencing in the dream... and for my lack of doing something. I kept thinking, once I was awake, "I should have jumped in right away! I should have jumped in right away!"
And I thought, that is true of my life. So often, I just am slow, or preoccupied, or consciously choose to remain detached, rather than jumping into it. And my children suffer for it. Oh, I have my excuses. I am tired. Or in the other room, or waiting to see if it will work out, or they shouldn't have been doing that in the first place. .... ya da ya da ya da. But the truth is, I should jump in sooner. It is my jb to protect them. Sometimes from each other, and sometimes even from themselves. And my delay, out of self-centeredness, allows them to get hurt - perhaps just emotionally- but hurt just the same.
I prayed, Lord, help me. Give me more energy. Give me less focus on me. It is NOT all about me. Help me to jump in sooner.
Here is my dream.
We walked into a swimming pool area, others were already there, and I walked in with my three kids. A few kids were sitting on the steps of the deep end, I sat in a chair there, and my kids were over on the side, waiting. A large, middle aged man was cleaning the pool. It was odd, because he was fully dressed (striped shirt) and going into the pool and scooping out debris. Every few seconds he would sit by the side of the pool and rest, then continue. The kids on the steps were complaining, couldn't they go in the deep end, since he was finished there.
He did not answer, just continued, with a mad look on his face, with his task. Taddy, not picking up on the clue that he was not suppose to be in the pool, did a big jump into the deep end. I kind of laughed and was starting to tell him, he needed to get out, when from the corner of my eye, I could see a big blur running toward the pool on my left side. It was the pool cleaner guy, and he was furious.
He jumped in and went straight to Taddy, wrapped his elbow around Taddy's neck. He dragged him to the bottom of the pool, then came up, still with Taddy in a "rescue" hold. I could see the look on Taddy's face... fear and the man started swimming toward where a bunch of folks were gathered in the shallow end, with Taddy in tow.
Here's the part that kills me. I just watched for a minute! I watched! I did not get up! I did not say anything, I watched! Then, like I was a slug, I saw Taddy's face and I sat up (sat up, not jumped up!) I even remember thinking, I should jump in the pool, but I was LETTING IT PLAY OUT!. I finally, sat and pointed my finger at that man and screamed: "Let go of my boy! Let go of my boy! Let go og my boy!" As I was starting to get up. My yelling caused others to notice, and several other adults started running toward the man who had Taddy.
That is when I woke up...thinking, I should have jumped in right away! Why did I delay?!! What kind of mother would delay??!!!
It has hurt my heart all day. I know it was only a dream. But on some level, it just opened my eyes, on how selfish I am, on how often I put me and my wants first. How I act like I am "bothered" at times to deal with stuff.
And I am so so sorry. I want to be a good mommy. I want to be the mommy my kids deserve. I just have to jump in sooner. And put my "stuff" on the back burner, more often!
I love you Taddy.
I love you Nicholas.
I love you Mary Beth.

1 Things Others Said:

MissMeliss said...

awwwww i'm sorry you had such a bad dream. :( it does NOT mean you are a bad mommy. i imagine you might have been a bit shocked, too, that someone would do that type of thing? i mean, who would?!

knowing that you want to be a good mommy and probably have the same deep, inert fear that i do... that somehow you might not be... i'm sure that's where it came from. but i assure you, it was JUST A DREAM.