If David had a blog.....

I have wondered, as I read the Psalms, if David had a blog, would he ever be reluctant to tell it like he really feels? To post his questions of God and then his turn arounds as the act of pouring out his heart to God moved him into his trust of God?

If David can be painfully honest, can I? And I thought why...why post that? Maybe like David, being brutally honest, painfully transparent, noticeably flawed... maybe my grappling's with the mysteries of God and yet settling in with God is God and I love Him, might encourage someone else. So here goes, from my journal this morning.

(Sheep bleat. I love that phrase that Ann shared once..we are his sheep and we bleat!)

Perfect love casts out all fear. In your presence is the absence of fear. (In your presence must be perfect love.) Fear seems to be always crouching at the door-hinges, ready to enter and take over. or like a water leak, ready to flood.

The other day, talking to mom about the well-being of someone we both know, mom said "I wonder if she's learned how to be okay without a man in her life?" (And I thought, like I have?) Mom went on to say: "although, it is not suppose to be that way."

And it hit me. It's not. It's not suppose to be that way. As single moms, it is not suppose to be that we walk this life alone. And the thought felt odd. I have worked so hard at making myself okay alone...felt like God has worked on me too, to be okay alone (alone with a house full of children. ) I have even "grown" to the point of perhaps looking down at those who "need" a companion as defective, weak...silly of me, but I realize I had perhaps blanketed myself in my independence-pride to cover my real need {pain}.

God saw this with Adam...before the fall, before sin entered the picture, when Adam walked with God every day- God saw Adam's state and said "it is not good for man to be alone" and made someone for him. And so it has continued, couple by couple making family after family.

It is not good to be alone and this is part of the crouching fear..the fear of alone. But a greater fear....the fear of what God allows.

Perfect love casts out all fear. God is love..His love is perfect. In His presence is no fear because in his presence we are not alone...unnoticed....uncared for.

As I long to practice His presence more {I feebly stumble in my attempts} I also long for Adam and Eve...even in His presence, God said ti was not good for Adam to be alone. It is not good for me.

And here is the crux...only God could bring someone into our lives {ours, not mine, because I am not a one, I am five..so it is very complicated}... Only God could do that.

Yet, He does not.

I have often thought it is because I am not "good enough" yet --that once I got my act together, then..... But I know I will never become "good enough" to be without failings, short comings, areas of weakness...

never....

so it cannot be because I am not good enough yet.

still, He does not.

He says it is not good to be alone, yet He does not.

He is all powerful and mighty, yet He does not.

He says ask and it will be given you, I ask, yet He does not.

He is loving, compassionate, caring for me, his child, and for my children, yet He does not.

He says He has plans and a future for us, and that no plan of His can be thwarted, yet He does not.

Yet He does not - so fear crouches at the door-hinge. He does not do this, this that my children and I long for {need}..what else might He not do?

And I do not even try to ask "why" or try to figure it out. I cannot. Our God is too mysterious.

Even so, I choose to trust Him, love Him, trust Him with my most precious, my children...because God is love and perfect love casts out all fear and in His presence is fullness of joy.

It is what it is. I cannot change it. Only God can.

God has done so much, so very much for me, for us...and continues to. and for reasons I do not understand, he chooses not to do this one....

I accept that, I accept the boundary lines He has set for me.

The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

At least {most} I have my children, what a blessing from God.

and my parents- FAMILY all in CAPS.

and a good job to provide.

and a sweet little house in the country..

a crazee kitty and a grumpy, loyal puppy...

my health....

God has been good to us, so for whatever reason He withholds this from us - a daddy to my children. He does not do it out of anything unkind or out of His control because He is God, loving, kind and all powerful.

Abba,
You see me - you see them. You made us. You know our hearts, our longings. You know we love you. we want to love you more, better. You know what is good for us and what would harm us. You tell us not good gift would you withhold. So this is a mystery. We trust you, anyway, in spite of our lack of understanding. See our hearts{ache}..not just mine, but theirs...young girls that ask "where's a daddy?", young sons that so need/want a daddy in their lives, a godly daddy ..day in, day out, each morning, every evening...You know and me Lord, so independent, I can't even imagine the bending it would take to be with another, yet..inside this momma is the romantic heart of a young girl, longing for her first kiss, and feeling silly to admit it.

You God, Abba, Father...are love. You made it and you live in it, you raise it to something good and noble and perfect.

Wrap us in your love- your will be done in our lives and our hearts. {Bring loving, godly life-mates as they grow up, guard their hearts and choices...to always follow after you and your will.}

In Jesus name...

Amen.

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{on that same note, read this: http://www.incourage.me/2010/06/never-been-kissed.html}