Wednesday, September 14, 2011

the life i long for...

from my front porch
{from a daisy-loving, lo-tech girl in a hi-tech world writing on her hi-tech laptop into cyberspace in the hospital waiting room - boy is life a jumbled box of contradictions}

my heart ache-weep-longs as I read the opening lines of Amanda Soule's newest book, The Rhythm of Family:

"Wonderful things happen in our family when we choose to move slowly through our days."

I heart drool over the passages, pictures, projects, perspectives.. {the "p's" just happened, not planned}.. and turn to my mom and say, "I wish I WAS Amanda Soule!".  

I don't really. I want to be me.  Like me.  But I sure LOVE her lifestyle. I go through the jumbled contradiction of my days, rushing here, stressing there, slowing for a moment to water flowers on the porch, sew a little cow-patterned money bag for my daughter, or card bag for me, can some peach preserves, stay up to midnight finishing a work proposal...  jumble jumble mix mix.

I long for more of the slow earth touch.  More of the life touch.  And for more of that for my children.   But how to get from here to there?

The past few weeks have been a tumultuous, edgy battle blur between sibling...with my heart rocking from pain, sadness, firm reprimand, consequences without end, frustration,  repeating repeating repeating..the same things they already know.

Not much slowness, or happy rhythm or connectedness or good memories.  just woundedness striking out with no end in sight...

and this morning, after another referee-bout on the drive into school, I thought of the well worn saying: {probably misquoted}, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."   uh - yea...

then I sit in a waiting and read-wade into Amanda's book and ache for change..for a different way.   And just cannot understand how to move from here to there.....yet ache for it.

I will have to ponder/pray on this one.  Because the insanity has to change.  First the wars have to cease...and then the move from rush-tech, to slow touch..which I know will come with resistance.

Just my heart ache today...

relationships are with people, with God, even with pets and nature.  good relationships are built on connectedness not woundedness...

not tv-staring, video game thumbing, wii remote thrashing, sibling-bashing.

Lord help us me how.

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