Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Barnabas, where art thou?

after a night's sleep cut short, awakening to churning in my mind, trying to figure out ....EVERYTHING...that is piled up too high on my chipped plate, I knew I had to get some life in me or I would be "not nice" to my kids with the morning get in the car stresses...

too many days running too fast and too dry, locks up an engine.... 

i grabbed my often neglected devotional series on Paul....and read about Barnabas.....  (Act chap 9)... Barnabas whose name use to be Joseph, and was changed to Barnabas meaning "son of encouragement" (so my devotional read)...

still full of stress and not life, I read on..how often an encourager will come into our life when we are feeling alone, or down or just stressed.  (oh I need one!)...and then how we are to be an encourager to others.... and who could we encourage today...

then, in my devotional, there are blank lines to write out your thoughts, or a prayer...etc....

and my true focus prayer was let me not be a discourager today to my children.  Because I feel like a harried bear with a sore paw and a growling stomach and you better not cross me or even breathe too deep in my near vicinity....

yea...one of those mornings..

so I prayed, please, Lord, be my Barnabas today.  I can't even imagine being a Barnabas to others, when my claws want to rip and tear and teeth want to chew on ants!  How can I be a Barnabas?  I NEED a Barnabas.  Be mine please....

I would love to tell you now, that the morning went smoothly, that no hackles were raised, that no stresses were spewed.  

I would like to say that.  But I can't.

But I can say this...  it was less than it could have been.  Less than it may have been on similar mornings in the past.   Not perfection (my constant accuser), but better.

I had to bite my lip more than once.   Even say,  "I can't say anything right now"...while my insides clamored to growl and slobber.  

Yes, some grunts and snarls still escaped...but no claws extended, no teeth bared, no major damage...

Some stoic silence.   Some ached-heart quiet tears as I drove the car.   But mostly...almost mostly, a calm voice, and civil response.

So, so, far from Barnabas.  Some days, it takes all there is to not be a discourager.  So after all the kids were scattered to their classrooms, and I drove on to work, I prayed for my Barnabas.   Jesus, please...be my Barnabas today. 

You can even turn this day, this mood, around...so perhaps, when mama bear gathers back in her cubs tonight, I might be a Barnabas to them.

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