to the moon and back...

"I stand in the lane right after the blue moon and everything brims and I wish there was a just once more. I wish it had been longer — or I had been more." 

 - Ann Voskamp

" this is their only childhood...

and my only mommy-hood."

  - me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

we read these book over and over and over again, until we did not even have to turn the page to say the words that come next.   the words would spill over to our other times.  'baby owls think alot" when we were thinking of something... " i love you to the moon and back.."(.and we would try to out do each other)..."infinty times infinity"

 

first nicky...then taddy...  mei-mei was a slightly different set of books, with pink dresses and chinese girls, ladybugs and pretty ponies, less books, with the busyness of three and only me...ollie, being older, was only a few books....and then none...

 

I have shelves full of children's books.  ones worn by the love of our reading and ones worn by someone elses.  i guess i collect them.  i cannot seem to let them go.

 

it is hard letting go...

 

is a momma's heart always filled with love and pain... always aware of letting go?  did i know the last time i read nicky "guess how much I love you" that it was the last time?  or was I busy...unaware?

 

how much passes with me not present?

how much passes with my heart inside out and locked within?

 

all those other things that all those other people think are important, think i ought to be doing, that stresses me out, so i am not present...all those other things don't matter.

 

this is there only childhood and this is my only mommyhood...and it is almost gone...

4 years for one

6 years for two

10 years for the last

 

more behind me than ahead...it feels.

 

my oldest started high-school today.... so happy, excited, eager for school.   He is becoming such a godly man.  cries for his papa, love on his sleeve, learning like a dry sponge and tall as a weed. my nicky, i love you to the moon and back.....

 

taddy and ollie started six grade, a new school..one a little nervous the other a lot nervous already determined to find nothing good about the day, (maybe if i had read more books, she would feel differently.)  yet still dressed all pretty and backpack full of expectations.  taddy hoping someone will love football as much as he.   i love you son, by warrior man...and i love you ollie, by beautiful young lady...

 

and mei mei starting 3rd grade, so excited i thought her pony would run off her shirt.  all smiles and pink ruffles, by mommas choice, not hers, but happy none the less.  you can still play kick ball in pink.  love you little china girl...

 

 

 

 

all four lined up on the porch this morning for momma's first day photo.

 

  and we rush to school, i rush to work,....almost ready to go pick them up and i read ann's words and it all hits me, spilling out of my eyes... 

 

its too soon...

the book reading is over too soon...

 

and, like Ann, I feel like i am so less when i want to be so more....

 

but this is the one childhood, mommyhood we have...and even at this late day, being made aware once again, what is important, what my purpose is right now...that is good.

 

the rest is good

what has gone before is good

 

and i wonder, is a momma's heart always full of love and pain...

and i reach out to hold those perfect moments...

 

my long-legged son talking it all over with me in the car...

back-yard smores

funny movies and belly laughs
my football fiend  in his mickey voice, me in minnie...driving to the zoo

whip cream mouthfuls

sharpened pencils and full backpacks
my young lady wrapped in an apron bakng brownies
my big footed basketball player grabbing a rebound and protecting the ball like gollum's precious
my pony skipping girl trembling with excitement of a new school and new friends

 

and each night the gathering in....

to let go and gather in well...that is my prayer..

so i go to gather in, the end of the first day of school...
and enjoy some ice cream together....our little tradition.....
momma loves you...to the moon and back