there is a veil...
tissue-thin....
between the realm of all we see touch and feel..and sometimes despair and the realm of God's spirit, breathing life.
i feel {felt?} ok still feeling, though with a whisper of hope...
i feel battered, exhausted, worried {concerned} stressed over too many things this morning.....
too many gas-guzzling trips in the suburban this week {and it's only Tuesday} and wondering if i'll have enough gas money.
too many {things} needing money from me and too little money to peanut-butter across
email notifications that my bank balance has hit that low threshold mark that i set an alert for, so i could do something about it, but there are too many days left in the week and weekend until pay day...
living too thin....
too many items on my to do list without quick easy solutions....
too much clutter in my house, and messes to clean and stains to wash and brokenness to fix....
too many issues to figure out..and problems to solve, and assistance to give...when i am tapped out....
and stress over school picture money written on paper checks
and stress over bills paid and unpaid...
and stress over how to help my son do fundraisers for school...when truly he should be doing fundraisers for us
and stress over trying to focus on work deliverables, and meetings and tasks and attention...when my whole life is clamoring...
and stress over church, the one thing i would hope would NOT be stressful...and feeling unsettled and unhomed and unknowing what to do....
and i sit at my desk, in this mood, tissue-thin layers of stress upon stress, trying to look deep for the blessings hidden between......
i am exhausted...
i put my face in my hands, in my little cube at work, and my heart cries, O Lord, help me...
and i read Ann's words:
"When did I start expecting successful Christian living to be smooth sailing instead of stepping out of the boat in the middle of a storm? ...When did I start thinking Christianity was about putting on accessories instead of putting on armor? Life’s not hard because you’re doing anything wrong: Life is a battle. Put on your armor."
and i realize, even in this thin day....there is life, and there is breath and there is joy and there is blessing and there is encouragement.
i soak Ann's words in.
i soak God's presence in. he has not forsaken me. He will not let this stress be the end up me.
He will help me take the snarly ends of this ball of yarn, and untangle the knots and knit it back together.....
and the simple words of a of a kind soul typed out in facebook, makes my heart tears spill:
"You are in the middle of very important work....children "
and yes...I am...and God is here....
and then I look at these four faces...dressed up for "clique" day at school: a jock, a rapper, a nerd and a hipster...
look at them. each so full of personality, and life and character and the spirit of the living God dwells in each of them! How could I let anything get me down, when I can look at them...and see the faithfulness of my God?
and i know..the veil between the seen and the unseen is so thin....and all i feel and see, and struggle with, wet with tears, makes it even more transparent so I can see God. I can feel God. I can take his love into my thin places....
and that is the blessing in the stress...the thinness helps me see God. and see the four blessings out my door every morning and back in again each night.
