Misfit...

Remember the broken, unwanted toys on the Island of Misfit Toys...in the animated version of Rudolph?

Yep. That's me. At least I feel that way some times. :)

I finished the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. And it struck a chord with me. Caused tension, but needed tension between what my heart and spirit want and what my life does.

It is interesting, looking back over the past 5 or so years, and I see many things being stripped out of my life. Some willingly I gave up, some were torn from my hands, only later their loss was to be discovered as a blessing. It has been step by step. I did not see a pattern, but now, looking back...I can see a commonality in all of it.

And I have nothing to boast about. Many cases it was my mistakes that led to the loss, but then embracing the loss, it was a good thing. A few times I willingly pushed away things out of my life, unneeded, cluttering, distracting.

and now, I sit, a misfit. :) Or so it seems.

I went somewhere today where "affluenza" was dripping. Not intended to be in a showy way, but dripping all the same. And as I heard it and saw it and felt it, it saddened me. I have NOTHING to brag about. NOTHING. I stumble-trip my broken way along this journey with God, more out of the spirit than walking in it, but it just broke my heart. When I looked and thought...how many babies could be fed on what I saw. How quickly Gabi could get to Uganda, how well Levi could provide for his rescued children, how many Compassion children in Guatamala could no longer be waiting....

And for awhile, I did not even realize what I was feeling..out of touch. Then later, as I reflected back, I realized how much it really bothered me.

See I am ruined. It is hard to easily spend that which could "give a water to the least of these."

So what do misfits do? I don't want to come across as judging. "Affluenza" is all around me. But at the same time, I want to innoculate my children as much as possible. I want to do what I can to put any resources God gives me to good use. I cannot buy into the American Dream any more. And YES, it is still a battle for me. As I sweated over taking my kids to a movie Friday night, knowing what THAT money could better do. So I am the first to ADMIT I have far, far to go.

As I look at big churches, and big homes, and big amusements, and knowing I WAS THERE not too far distant past, I think... what do I do? Keep my mouth shut? Maybe they just don't know. They just have not thought about it. Do I buy a box full of books, and pass them out?

And who can I relate to? Somewhere, there must be an island for us misfits. A community of misfits.

Lord, I know just a glimpse of how far away I am from what you would have me be...I am sorry for judging others, yet my heart is saddened. Lead me Lord. Keep me aware of how much you are and how little I am. I want to walk this world through your eyes...and more in the Spirit.